just wanna write

last Tuesday, I had a conference with my comp 1 teacher. it was supposed to be about the paper I wrote and how to improve it.

but somehow the conversation got around to her skimming through my blog. I told her how much I love writing every detail down of my day so I don't forget it...how the notes app on my phone has waayy over 200 notes stuffed inside... how text messages to my friends are paragraphs long about how my day went, one text message when I was at camp was about how the sun was shining and then at night the stars were twinkling bright. 

she thought about it for a second and realized that when I am forced to write for class, my creative side really doesn't come out. when I have to write academically it's for a grade and a lot more boring. it's not the real me. I can't be forced into the bubble of some rubric that is probably ripped at the bottom of my backpack that I never looked at. 

I wanna write about how I would describe Layla's little voice when we are jumping on the trampoline or how, when I'm with my friends their laughs fill the room and I immediately want to I put it in my blog. Or when we go to the movies, I want to remember every single conversation on the car ride there and how the theater looked and how it sounded when we passed the popcorn bucket to each other down the aisle. I want to capture the moment when we were playing kickball and my flip-flop came flying off. I want to write about every memory we have together. I want to write about the times when my cheeks hurt from smiling too much. I always want to write about how I can text Chelsea at anytime and she has the best advice and is a spitting image of God.  I want to write until my friends actually know how I feel. I want to write when my words aren't really working. I wanna write about catching up with a friend I haven't see in a while.  I want to write about the day my sister got her temps and finally got to get behind the wheel. I wanna write about how my bitmoji has the most perfect eyebrows. I wanna write about how many times my phone goes off from the group chat I'm in with Lex, Gretch and Annie.  

 I wanna write until I can't feel my fingers and my mind is empty of all the thoughts. I want people to know this side of me. I want to write for God. I want to write to have people see God in me.  I want to write until everything I have ever felt comes  on paper. I want to write my feelings out. I want to write about how free I feel when I walk in the field out behind my house and how the trees were turning colors on my way to campus each day. I want to write about when I drive my sister up to the lake and we pass into Indiana, we mute the radio and scream "I-N-D-I-A-N-A... that's Indiana!" 

I want write about every night when I'm struggling with homework and I want to write until my mind becomes at ease when I push save. I want to see my writing grow and I want to look back into the memories I have over the years. 

I want my writing to mean something to me, years from now. 

just wanna write until the whole world knows my name...