On A Year...

 *Lessons I Unfortunately Had To Learn In A Year*

The lessons you have to learn in the first year of grieving are really tough, something you can’t put into words… (and the fact that you go through this for the rest of your life is even harder)

            -The first and I would say the biggest lesson I have learned is: Time is weird. I say this one because for months after the tragedy struck, I kept referring to it as “this week” or as a bit of time went on I would say “last week,” when it clearly wasn’t anymore. This messed with my entire way of thinking about time, and sadly how much time has passed without him here. I have had to stop saying “About a year ago…” when I am speaking about something we did together. I am trying to remind myself that those experiences we shared weren’t from about a year ago and that it was from about a year before he died. 

    Time has also been one of the only things that has helped me with this whole grieving process. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to take some time to breathe and grieve and regain my balance in this life. I have spent a whole lot of nights in my bed, watching Hallmark movies and eating vanilla ice cream. I also hibernated during quarantine since my busy schedule got thrown out the window so I had ample time to be by myself. The stay at home order feels different when you are grieving, like there is nothing else you need to do- yet, process and come to peace with it. It also has helped a bit to separate myself, for the most part, from a lot of the places we share memories at. I am thankful I was able to take a step back from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Little by little, I have been trying to get my life back on track, even if it’s just a wheel or two. 

        -One of the most recent things I have learned in this past year is to just look at the few steps ahead of you. You don’t always have to look at the big picture, focus on what’s right in front of you. For a while, you just have to get through the day. Then, get through the next. Then, the next and so on. At some point after, you are figuring out how to keep going. 

This is something I never wanted to go through, which I’m sure you understand. No one chooses this...

        -But, I have learned that I… that people… that my friend group… We can do hard and scary things. You know why? Because we have done them before. We have a God that is 100% behind us in our worst days and 100% behind us on our best days. I hope you can hear, in your own mind, how exaggerated I want this to sound. 100% people! His love never changes, He loves us exactly how we are. My friends and I have gotten through some of the darkest, darkest days together. We might not always have the answers or reasons behind it all. But, we have come out stronger and with a better appreciation for each other because of it. Joy and Grief can go hand and hand and that’s just how life works. I've learned that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting. That darkness doesn't last forever. That life is a combination of grief and joy and that regardless of which cycle I'm in, goodness can be found. One minute we can be crying and one minute we can be laughing. It’s how life happens and it’s how it’s going to continue to happen from here on out. 

We have learned that the storms never ever stop… But neither do the rainbows.

        -I have also learned how to take care of and be strong for myself and for everyone else in the midst of our turmoil. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Years feel like seconds when you look back. I am so proud to know people who lift me up before themselves and who have turned me closer to Jesus in the roughest spot I have been in. I am happy to have a support system who helps me in all aspects of this journey. 

    Losing him broke me, but in so many ways, his short existence in my life still managed to gift me with so many things I will never forget. It taught me how to love others in such a unique way, how to put Jesus first, how to find adventure in the tiniest of situations… and the list goes on and on. Even though this past year has looked nothing, nothing like we thought it might- I’m choosing to thank the Lord for the time I did get to spend with him. 

He was truly my best friend who God is still using to work wonders in my life. 

 

What The Retreat Has Taught Me So Far…

Hello everybody! If you did not know, I am currently apart of a team at my church planning a one day middle school retreat in honor of my best friend. Cullen was a hard working, inspirational man of God in our community. He sadly passed away last fall.

This season of grief and healing has been rough, but I know that’s typical. I had all of this emotion building up in me that I knew crying over a bowl of vanilla ice cream, the only thing I could eat for a few days, was not going to help.

I realized this in February when a sweet couple from church approached me and asked if I would like to be apart of a memorial youth retreat in honor of Cullen and the people he has impacted. Of course, I said yes and jumped on the opportunity right away. I keep saying I would help out at a retreat for a stranger if they asked but especially for him, for his family and for our parish. Showing middle schoolers Jesus in a different and fun way with young adults sharing their faith is also one of the best things about this. I can not wait to positively encourage these students in their walk with our great God!

In this retreat, I am the Secretary, the Media Coordinator and the biggest one, the Activity Director. Oh believe me, I know that I sound crazy for taking on three roles- I am. I have a few years of experience facilitating many different kinds of activities but I have never had the opportunity to have full control. 

Through this retreat, God has taught me three main things (among several, several more.) He has taught me to have patience while working with the team and while working with technology. Shoutout to Zoom for not working correctly a few times so far. It also puts into perspective the Bible verse, John 15:13 “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” and how that can actually come about. I am spending hours a week on this and could not be happier I am able to be apart of it. The third main thing I am being taught is how to plan and organize. Just recently, we got the full day of agenda so it is now full steam ahead on planning! Starting something from the ground up and being able to fully create it is very exciting. But also comes with the task of planning out every inch, step and hop throughout each day to actually get us where we are wanting to land. For Example: I have started on a packet for my wonderful activity volunteers, explaining each activity and how to do it. This is just for a reminder day of but it has also been a blessing to me to lay out how 

they are supposed to be facilitated.

I hate being stuck at home just as much as the next person but I am extremely grateful I now have the time to plan every second of the activities and how I want them to go. Planning for this retreat during quarantine is helpful because I can fully focus on it and not have to worry about school and/or work in the back of my mind. I am beyond honored to be apart of this and can not wait to see how it all plays out.

So for now you can find me at my laptop figuring out how to plan each activity, making a flyer, taking notes on what to talk about during our next Zoom meeting or honestly anything else. But I can not wait until you will be able to find me on my parish’s campus prepping for middle schoolers to know Jesus in such a special way through the kindness Cullen always showed to the world. 

God Is Already There

Hey everyone! I know I haven’t been on here in months but here I am, day 46 (?)  of quarantine.
I am currently finishing my school year, virtually, lost both of my jobs due to the virus and grieving from a friend passing away. The words: healing, grieving, world pandemic, online school and anger have all been at the top of my vocabulary during this uncertain season of my life. To say nothing makes sense right now, is 100% true. I know I am not alone and many other people in our society have been feeling the same way. Even if I don’t acknowledge it,
I know this season I am in has been hard on my heart.

Anyways since I’ve been in the storm for just over 7 months… I have been leaning towards God more than ever.
I am learning to praise Him in the darkness.
Yesterday, two of my friends (who don’t know each other) sent me the same quote that my best friend that
passed away 7 months ago, said to me a few years ago. “Don’t Worry About Tomorrow, For God Is Already There.”

This quote means more to me than what it actually says. First of all I love the quote obviously, but
I have a strong tie to it since he said it to me a couple years ago.

So… Just two nights ago we were watching a TV show that mentioned Jeremiah 29:11 and I said what the
verse says to my family, "’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’" and said it reminds me of the
quote he texted me once, "Don't Worry About Tomorrow For God is Already There!"

Their timing was awesome, it was something I totally needed. I have been missing my normal life and my
friends so much. I’ve been extremely sad and angry about it. What are the odds they would both choose
that quote to send to me on the same day… cue the tears. It made me feel connected to Heaven in a way!

Seeing God in the normal, everyday things is what I have been learning lately. I think He wants us to
know He is in everything, even a quick text message when you haven’t seen your people going on two months.
I know He is totally preparing me for what’s next for me through them and I’m so blessed!!

P.S. I am praying for all of you and hope you are staying healthy:)

2019 recap

12/29/2019

It’s the end of December and at this point, I would normally have my 2019 recap blog basically done. But this year, this end of year post- is going to be a bit, well… different. 

Tonight, I want to talk to y’all about how this past year went for me. About how extremely hard it is to get a phone call that your best friend has passed away and then see everything and everyone else around you stumble and fall apart after. Losing my best friend so sudden was the hardest thing I’ve had to walk through. I was going to try to tell you how I got through it but honestly I am still actively trudging through those deep waters with waves that feel 100 feet over the top of my messy bun on most days.

Life is super weird and it feels like when one terrible thing happens, all the other dominoes behind it fall down after it as well. Since the tragedy struck in late September, there has been so many things that have fallen apart. And I just wanted a hug from him to make it all just a tiny bit easier- the unfortunate reality of that is I’m going to have wait until I get to Heaven as well. Another friend got into a car accident, my dad had to have stitches, both of my extended family’s dogs had to be put down… and those are just a few. Life just isn’t fair. I’ve been questioning God lately, like why would He let all of this happen in just a short period of time. Why is the phrase “When It Rains, It Pours” true and not just a song title? But what I have came up with, is God is still good. He is still God through all of this. Leaning on Him during the tough times isn’t always that easy but truly relying on Him through it all helps in tremendous ways.

How do you physically get up and move when you’re 21 and burying your best friend of the past 4 years? I don’t know. If you're looking for answers, I really have no clue. It felt like a dream we were all going to wake up from, like he was going to walk down the stairs or in the door while we were planning his funeral on his living room floor. If I am telling the truth, sometimes it still feels like a dream. Our circle is broken without him here, there’s such an empty hole in all of us now. It’s like he took half of my heart with him to Heaven.

Grieving is the weirdest thing. It’s like one minute you’re fine- you're listening to music he loved, remembering all the memories you’ve made together, looking at silly pictures. 

The next minute you feel like a crushed pop can- just the first note of a song sends you to tears, all the happy moments turn incredibly sad and you can’t even look at your profile picture of you and him. 

It’s eating vanilla ice cream for a week straight because that’s all the food your stomach could possibly handle. It’s being on the edge of dehydration because you can’t stop crying. It’s looking at your friends in the eyes and for once… not having the words to comfort them, or yourself really. It’s the first real hangout with everyone after the funeral and physically feeling the emptiness in your chest. It’s watching the same movie over and over again because it gets your mind off of everything.

I’ve been sitting around a lot and wondering what truly matters in life. And all I can think about is the word “Community”. Community is everywhere, at home, with friends, at church, at school. I’m such a huge “Find your Crew and love them well” type of person. I will always highly suggest you to find yours. You never know how much time you have with your people, humans are so temporary, but so is this world really. Heaven will last for eternity.

Life is extremely different without your loved one here, believe me I know. But what I’m so thankful for is the love shared. It’s honestly the love that lasts after everything else is gone. How lucky am I to have something that was very hard to lose, because that means I had something special to begin with.

So to conclude, this past year was rough. I am learning how to grieve and how to heal. I’ll be back with my word of the year blog post soon.