2019 recap

12/29/2019

It’s the end of December and at this point, I would normally have my 2019 recap blog basically done. But this year, this end of year post- is going to be a bit, well… different. 

Tonight, I want to talk to y’all about how this past year went for me. About how extremely hard it is to get a phone call that your best friend has passed away and then see everything and everyone else around you stumble and fall apart after. Losing my best friend so sudden was the hardest thing I’ve had to walk through. I was going to try to tell you how I got through it but honestly I am still actively trudging through those deep waters with waves that feel 100 feet over the top of my messy bun on most days.

Life is super weird and it feels like when one terrible thing happens, all the other dominoes behind it fall down after it as well. Since the tragedy struck in late September, there has been so many things that have fallen apart. And I just wanted a hug from him to make it all just a tiny bit easier- the unfortunate reality of that is I’m going to have wait until I get to Heaven as well. Another friend got into a car accident, my dad had to have stitches, both of my extended family’s dogs had to be put down… and those are just a few. Life just isn’t fair. I’ve been questioning God lately, like why would He let all of this happen in just a short period of time. Why is the phrase “When It Rains, It Pours” true and not just a song title? But what I have came up with, is God is still good. He is still God through all of this. Leaning on Him during the tough times isn’t always that easy but truly relying on Him through it all helps in tremendous ways.

How do you physically get up and move when you’re 21 and burying your best friend of the past 4 years? I don’t know. If you're looking for answers, I really have no clue. It felt like a dream we were all going to wake up from, like he was going to walk down the stairs or in the door while we were planning his funeral on his living room floor. If I am telling the truth, sometimes it still feels like a dream. Our circle is broken without him here, there’s such an empty hole in all of us now. It’s like he took half of my heart with him to Heaven.

Grieving is the weirdest thing. It’s like one minute you’re fine- you're listening to music he loved, remembering all the memories you’ve made together, looking at silly pictures. 

The next minute you feel like a crushed pop can- just the first note of a song sends you to tears, all the happy moments turn incredibly sad and you can’t even look at your profile picture of you and him. 

It’s eating vanilla ice cream for a week straight because that’s all the food your stomach could possibly handle. It’s being on the edge of dehydration because you can’t stop crying. It’s looking at your friends in the eyes and for once… not having the words to comfort them, or yourself really. It’s the first real hangout with everyone after the funeral and physically feeling the emptiness in your chest. It’s watching the same movie over and over again because it gets your mind off of everything.

I’ve been sitting around a lot and wondering what truly matters in life. And all I can think about is the word “Community”. Community is everywhere, at home, with friends, at church, at school. I’m such a huge “Find your Crew and love them well” type of person. I will always highly suggest you to find yours. You never know how much time you have with your people, humans are so temporary, but so is this world really. Heaven will last for eternity.

Life is extremely different without your loved one here, believe me I know. But what I’m so thankful for is the love shared. It’s honestly the love that lasts after everything else is gone. How lucky am I to have something that was very hard to lose, because that means I had something special to begin with.

So to conclude, this past year was rough. I am learning how to grieve and how to heal. I’ll be back with my word of the year blog post soon.