A few months ago I came across a certain phrase that made me step back and say ‘woah’.
It read:
“This is my rebuilding.”
This truly is my rebuilding. As I was “building” this retreat up over the last year and seven months, I was also really “rebuilding” myself. God was there with me, putting me back together.
I’m rebuilding… revisiting… reworking… this into something beautiful. I am so proud to say I built beauty from the brokenness by showing Christ’s love in such a special way to these middle schoolers. It’s such an incredible feeling. As hard as it has been with many highs and also many more lows along the way, I have kept on the path to rebuilding myself and this story. I was so proud to turn my grief into something so powerful and positive to benefit these students.
I know that C’s story doesn’t end here. I’m committed to not letting it. I hope I never forget those special memories even when they feel so far. I know that deep down in my heart, our stories don't end on this Earth. We will get to experience Paradise in Heaven together forever.
Since the tragedy struck, 2 years ago- I hit rock bottom. Life as I knew it changed in a second. My best friend was gone. All the moments that would be missed with C still hit me pretty hard. I then developed some anxiety during the stay at home orders that came 5 and half months later, that made me not able to see my people and have my whole schedule thrown out the window.
I didn’t know how to deal with it all. As afraid of the unknowns as I was, I am so thankful I had this retreat to focus on. During quarantine, I was as distraction free as I had been in a long time. I wouldn’t wish this pandemic again that’s for sure but it was very helpful to have the extra time at home, for both the grieving and the retreat planning.
While I never will be fully ‘built’ the same again, I know God holds my heart and is with me through it all.
You know I will admit, I sometimes think about forgetting, about leaving, about avoiding…
but, I know I can’t leave these memories behind.
I know I can’t leave the love behind.
The memories are in the rebuilding.
The love is in the rebuilding.
These are all now, the ‘building’ blocks that make me - me.
This retreat is the hardest (for so many reasons) and biggest project I have ever done but it is also the best and most rewarding project I have been apart of. The only way I can describe my “why” in the retreat is that I constantly felt such a strong pull on my heart from God over the year and a half that I was planning it. I loved every second of the day and I think Cullen did too! But, the planning- it wasn’t always easy.
I want you to know, how scared I was. I was scared it wouldn’t be the way I wanted it to be, scared I couldn’t make through. The load of work I had completely terrified me. Going through grief while planning this also made me so nervous. The whole team quitting on me hurt. Yes, I wish it would have been a bigger turn out but I am just proud of myself for never ever giving up.
Has God put something on your heart that is scary and seems too big for you?
If so, this is me telling you… I hope you do the thing that scares you. Keep praying about it and GO do it! God will use your simple obedience to change the lives and hearts of so many. It’s 100 percent worth it! I encourage you and challenge you to not be discouraged. To not be afraid of not knowing it. To not have fear that you aren’t equipped. God puts us in these seasons to lean on Him even more. What I’ve learned is we can’t grow by avoiding the fear, circling around it and hoping it will eventually just vanish. Fear will hold you back, if you let it. Fear will paralyze you, if you let it. We grow by walking straight up to it, looking it in the eye before we’re ready and saying, “Here I am and I’m not stopping!”
When something you love becomes stressful, focus on why you started & your thankfulness to God for handing it to you in the first place. Through all this, as much as I could- I gave this to The Lord and let Him be in control!
I am so thankful this retreat day went as well as it did! This is the first event I’ve ever had pretty much full say over and what an honor it was to found it! I know Cullen is smiling down on us all. I am so glad I kept pushing even when it got tough. We truly had the best group of kids, with no problems at all throughout the day. I can’t say enough good things about them, they have inspired me on my walk with Christ. It was amazing seeing the look on the kids faces, having so many helpful hands and many donations… from the bottom of my heart, Thank you! It was a day I’ll never forget.
In every way I can, I am here honoring C.
I couldn’t be more thankful that our great God picks up each and every one of our broken pieces and uniquely “rebuilds” us!
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A special thank you to Cullen’s parents Mr. and Mrs. Lumbrezer who were beyond encouraging through this process. My parents and my sister who helped me through every single step from day one up until the last person left campus that night. The staff at Holy Trinity Church and School who graciously helped make every detail of the planning and the whole day run so seamlessly, I can’t say thank you enough for taking time out of your already busy schedules to honor Cullen. The mind blowing amount of volunteers we had, all there to honor C in such a special way. The extremely nice phone calls and texts I got from people willing to do and donate anything they could. My family and friends who listened to the daily updates and who always shared their wonderful advice. As always, a huge Thank You to our Lord- Thank You God for allowing this retreat to be possible and successful, all for Your glory. Please watch over Cullen’s family and friends. We love You.
