2020…

This year I have been at the lowest point I have ever been. I have developed some anxiety attacks that I have never, thankfully, experienced before this spring. I know it’s completely normal because the whole world is in the middle of a pandemic. But, it’s hard for me wrap my head around all the crap that happened this year and why it did, especially in my own world. Leaving school at the end of February for spring break, I had no clue that I wouldn’t go back and zero idea what the rest of this year would look like. 

I am extremely blessed to still have my health and safety along with my friends and family and my heart goes out to whoever lost someone or that has struggled this year.

At the end of last year, I did know that this year was going to be so different- the first full year without my best friend, Cullen. He has been on my mind like crazy and wish I would have enjoyed life with him one more time, even more than we already had. I think that not being able to see, talk to and/or text him made this year even more difficult than it already was. He was always the person who I could go to for anything. Going through all these waves of grief are extremely tough but a hundred times harder in a pandemic.

Speaking about my friend group, this year I have missed The Crew more than ever. I know everyone hasn’t seen the people they love the most. But, not being able to physically see them has been so tough for me— enneagram 7/extrovert over here. Dropping off Christmas presents on the different porches of The Crew, is so depressing. This is the first holiday season I haven’t been with them in the past 5 years. There have been friends of mine who I haven’t seen for other reasons too, I hope to restore my friendship with them someday too. Even thinking about those situations… make my heart hurt so much.

A positive part: I did have the incredible opportunity to become a bridesmaid in CJ & Pip’s wedding. The wedding was something that gave me so much hope and happiness this year. I had never been in a wedding before and I was beyond happy. I was so blessed to be apart of her bridal showers, bachelorette party and wedding especially during a hard, hard year. And also this year… The Crew grew by a few! I am so thankful to have friends that turned into family. 

I am also really blessed to have gone to the lake a ton this summer. I was excited to meet a new friend, Hannah, there. Her family moved into a beautiful lake house and I can’t wait to get to know her more! I have been praying for a lake friend for a long time and my prayer couldn’t have been answered better! I was able to take Christy, Kev, Meg and Baby James to the lake also for a day and we had a wonderful time. I seriously have been wanting to take them there for forever!!

All in all, I miss the old me. Quarantine messed me up. Along with many other people, I truly have never stayed home this much- not even as a baby. Since I got my license, I have never been in one spot for this long. The old version of me is someone I miss and sadly don’t recognize anymore. The busy me… the eats 3 meals in my car on the way to who knows where me… the hanging out at a friends house me… the me who saw her extended family. I can not possibly wait to be able to gather again, plan and attend events again, see my loved ones again… I am really excited for that day.

In 2021, I would like to keep up with my relationships more in a different way than ever. I would like to reach out to friends and family more. I would also like to turn towards God more and improve my prayer life.

I am not sure if 2021 will bring better news but we can all hope and pray that it does. I pray wherever this blog post has found you after the rough year we all have experienced, that you are still filled with love. Never forget the love that has been placed in your heart but our great God. That is the most important thing.