what I learned in my first semester in college...

first semester of college. I don't think I was truly ready for the hustle and bustle of college. the fitting in, finding my way around, the studying (which I still don't know how to do because I forget everything!), and dealing with 6 classes a day.  my first semester started off with me working 3 days a week, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday...7-3:30 an 8 hour shift. I was commuting 35 minutes to campus Tuesday & Thursday… 8-4:45.

I felt like I was drowning, always sore, always tired. I never had time to do anything for myself, my acne got worse, I was constantly sick, my side of the room looked like a tornado blew through it, work demanded so much from me, nightmares never stopped, my phone was always dead, rocket hall became my home in between classes, my lanyard had so much shoved into it that it barely zipped, homework and books I never even looked at piled up, papers and essays I barely knew anything about surrounded me, my grandparents sold their house of more than 20 years and moved to Florida for the winter which was super hard on me, can't even see through the mess to graduation… it seems so far away, home didn't feel like home, I learned that people that you spent 4 years in high school with won't even look at you when you run into each other in public, they won't call you when all your """friends""" are hanging out, my aunts house immediately was filled with my things because she lives a lot closer to campus, I was always getting yelled at either at home or work, I was alone… me and my backpack full of fear and stress, Blackboard hated me and Toledo scared me, I never had the energy or time to post on my blog…when it eventually got cold I learned what clothes to wear without sweating in class and not freezing outside, I spent way too much money on food and random things, my success coach at the time was never around to help out, my car was always out of gas and prices kept going up, I learned people that you think wouldn't fail you definitely will, I was constantly… physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, my book bag felt like bricks weighing me down as I was walking around campus. first semester taught me how far of a walk the union is from rocket hall!

     I'm actually surprised people in and around UT, didn't run fast as they could, the other direction from me. this was my everyday life for more than 5 months. Toto, we're not in high school anymore. 

first semester just really sucked. 

I finally had the guts to tell my amazing friends that I was quitting my job, that they helped me get, because I got a new one. that wasn't easy at all and no matter how hard I try I won't ever forget that. I then started at my new job, which is a lot more flexible. it's going good, less hours but I have more motivation to get my school work done. Sometimes it feels like I should have done it earlier.

some good things that my first semester of college taught me was how to properly back out of a parking spot in the crowded parking garage (WITHOUT hitting the car behind me!), I learned that people that you've known for 4 months will text you 3 hours after you saw them saying "I miss you!", I learned that I should listen to Chris when he says pray the rosary on the way to campus, it helps! it really does!, it taught me to rely on my new friends, get jimmy johns more that I really should, with Hanna, a girl who I just met but it feels like I have known for years, sit next to a kid named Evan in science, who allows me to use his portable phone charger, spend a weekend on work crew at your favorite place in the world serving kids who just let Jesus in their hearts and minds, hang out with Mike every Tuesday in the union it'll be awesome to see a familiar face, talk to a girl named Kallie who only lives 15 minutes from you it'll really be nice to meet a friend from the NWOAL, encourage Cullen when he needs it the most, it taught me that headphones can make the long walk go by a lot faster, spend a full day with your freshman camp friends at retreat and then get kicked out of the mall with them after, get your nails done with Alysa so you're not alone, get dinner with your new friend, Alex, I promise she cares for you, pick up speedy freezes with Meg, a girl who was in the same cabin with you at freshman camp, hang with Dani and Dominic in Rocket Hall for hours on end, go in the ChiO house with Judy to help her with the PINK event… it taught me that just one night full of laughter with The Crew will make everything better, I learned that in college no one really cares and they don't make fun of you for whatever embarrassing thing you might think you do, I learned that if you hide in a storage closet in a random church while playing Zombie Tag you will eventually get found, it taught me how to throw my hair in a side braid and pretend I tried, I learned that Ignite is my favorite night of the month, I learned that for sure, I am

NOT defined on how I'm doing in school!! 

Most importantly this semester, I learned to trust Jesus more. I was alone a lot of the time around campus, He sure did hear a lot from me. 

find new, good people that you can fall back on, see life through their eyes, hear their stories.... I've found my people, I pray and hope that you have. 

here's to a new start of a new semester. new beginnings. some online classes. different days, something new. hopefully something better. grades don't define you, I promise you that one. YOU are more than the messiness, more than the pain. You are worth everything in God's eyes, no matter the grades, no matter the acne, no matter what. 

just wanna write

last Tuesday, I had a conference with my comp 1 teacher. it was supposed to be about the paper I wrote and how to improve it.

but somehow the conversation got around to her skimming through my blog. I told her how much I love writing every detail down of my day so I don't forget it...how the notes app on my phone has waayy over 200 notes stuffed inside... how text messages to my friends are paragraphs long about how my day went, one text message when I was at camp was about how the sun was shining and then at night the stars were twinkling bright. 

she thought about it for a second and realized that when I am forced to write for class, my creative side really doesn't come out. when I have to write academically it's for a grade and a lot more boring. it's not the real me. I can't be forced into the bubble of some rubric that is probably ripped at the bottom of my backpack that I never looked at. 

I wanna write about how I would describe Layla's little voice when we are jumping on the trampoline or how, when I'm with my friends their laughs fill the room and I immediately want to I put it in my blog. Or when we go to the movies, I want to remember every single conversation on the car ride there and how the theater looked and how it sounded when we passed the popcorn bucket to each other down the aisle. I want to capture the moment when we were playing kickball and my flip-flop came flying off. I want to write about every memory we have together. I want to write about the times when my cheeks hurt from smiling too much. I always want to write about how I can text Chelsea at anytime and she has the best advice and is a spitting image of God.  I want to write until my friends actually know how I feel. I want to write when my words aren't really working. I wanna write about catching up with a friend I haven't see in a while.  I want to write about the day my sister got her temps and finally got to get behind the wheel. I wanna write about how my bitmoji has the most perfect eyebrows. I wanna write about how many times my phone goes off from the group chat I'm in with Lex, Gretch and Annie.  

 I wanna write until I can't feel my fingers and my mind is empty of all the thoughts. I want people to know this side of me. I want to write for God. I want to write to have people see God in me.  I want to write until everything I have ever felt comes  on paper. I want to write my feelings out. I want to write about how free I feel when I walk in the field out behind my house and how the trees were turning colors on my way to campus each day. I want to write about when I drive my sister up to the lake and we pass into Indiana, we mute the radio and scream "I-N-D-I-A-N-A... that's Indiana!" 

I want write about every night when I'm struggling with homework and I want to write until my mind becomes at ease when I push save. I want to see my writing grow and I want to look back into the memories I have over the years. 

I want my writing to mean something to me, years from now. 

just wanna write until the whole world knows my name...

this HAS to be it.

maybe it's the calm before the storm. maybe it's the kindness shown by the people around you. maybe it's the time spent together. maybe it's the memories. maybe it's the relationship with God. maybe it's the dreams. maybe it's the backyard volleyball and country music. maybe it's the sunsets and sunrises and every special moment in between. maybe it's the flowers. maybe it's the adventures. maybe it's the laughs. maybe it's the long talks. maybe it's the unknown. maybe it's the new friends. maybe it's the bonfires or the countless smores. maybe it's the wish you were here texts. maybe it's the opening of a new chapter in your life and saying goodbye to the old. maybe it's the times where you just know. maybe it's the summer nights. maybe it's the second you realize 'I don't want this to ever end'. maybe it's the little moments knowing you are so content with life right now. maybe it's the time you find yourself smiling. 

I don't know the exact meaning of being totally happy but I know this HAS to be it....💕

remember this is what youre fighting for...

when days are hard... 

remember tonight

when nights get too long...

 remember tonight

when people aren't on your side... remember tonight

when people fail you..

remember tonight

when you're down... 

remember tonight

when you're stressed, tired and depressed...

remember tonight

when you can't keep your head up… remember tonight

when things aren't going your way... remember tonight

when the world is just too much... remember tonight

when you have no energy left... remember tonight

when you can't keep going... remember tonight

remember this night, how you felt, how the air smelled, how the sun was setting just perfectly, how the only thing you heard was the fire crackling, how your hair was a mess from being in the lake all day but your heart was just full...

I would take these nights over anything...

when the world is just too much,

remember tonight...

remember your happy place...
hold onto this night, these people, this feeling...
it will get better than right now, it has to get better...
it will come again, summer will come again,

remember where you are so safe and extremely loved

remember what your fighting for...

remember this is worth fighting for...

my friends are amazing!

here's one of those cliché the year is half over, I love my friends blog posts...

but honestly where did the time go, it felt like I was just with a huge group of my friends sitting on the couch all comfortable counting down the seconds until 2016 and taking a New Years crew picture right afterwords and now we just watched fireworks together for the Fourth of July.... To the crew, you all are amazing. You each have your little ways of making me laugh and making me love life even more every second we are all together. You make me never want to say goodbye and my heart is so full after we all hang out. It's such a blessing from God having a close group of friends to always rely on and the best thing is more people keep tagging along to our adventures. Whether it's game nights, going to Church, backyard volleyball (sometimes in the rain), advice giving, bonfires, swimming in the pond, counting down the seconds until the new year, being way too close to the fireworks, singing loud at the concert, getting me my first real job, laughing a lot, movies and popcorn, teaching me silly things and card games, always having a shoulder to lean on, the inside jokes, late night Steak and Shake, working together, loving me endlessly or countless other things you know when you see like 15 other people with me, I couldnt be happier. I love hanging out with them, they make me a better person and always put God first. I think everyone knows I'm obsessed with loving God with you guys and tackling this awesome life together!!

So, thank you guys! Thanks for changing my life, thank you for including me when no one else did and thank you for making me smile everyday. Thank you for the moments of silence we share together, where words don’t need to be said, but we know we are in it together.

And most of all thank you for bringing me into your families! I love you all and wouldn't trade any of you for the world. I can't imagine life without you and I never would want to. You all are unique in your own special ways and you will never know how much of an impact you have on my life!!! I thank God for you every single night because believe it or not... you saved my life😊

last days of high school...

I guess it just really hasn't hit me yet.

I'm not going back. 

I'm not going to have anymore enrichments or ten minute breaks.

I'm not going to have another year or another month or another week or another day. this is it.

I'm not going to be there sitting at my table every morning.

Maybe it will hit me Thursday afternoon when I'm cleaning out my locker for the last time. 

Or on Friday, my last full day of high school, my last bells, my last school lunch, my last breath of high school.

Maybe it will hit me early that Monday morning, when I wake up rushing to get to 1st block because that's all I've ever known. Or when I go back on Monday afternoon, just because I miss it so much. Or really bad Monday night  when I see all the posts from underclassmen missing the seniors. 

Or Tuesday when I'm checking my final grades. 

Or Wednesday at graduation practice realizing woah this is truly it for the class of 2016.

Maybe on graduation day thinking we are officially done. 

Or just one afternoon when I take "senior in HS" out of my bio and it takes everything out of me not to do it

Or when I try to sign into my school account and all the memory is deleted

Or when I'm scheduling college classes and maybe even my first day at college, when I'm alone,looking for a familiar face.

Or even a month into college when I don't know anything that's going on and I'm not leading anymore high school club meetings.

Or a random Sunday night when I'm laying in bed, crying wanting to go back.

Even just a day I drive by, and pull into my parking spot

Or when I want to go back and help and visit everyone and I'll have to get a visitors pass. 

Or a weird Tuesday night in November when you randomly get kicked out of the group chat, for no apparent reason at all.

Or when I just pause, out of no where and just stop whatever I'm doing and pause. a million good and a million bad moments going through my mind. Days when I'm missing it the most. Days when I remember how much I hated it before I came. Days when I remember I had the best 4 years of my life here. 

Days when I actually use skills I learned in and out of the classroom in real life. 

Or maybe it will happen every single day until I finally move on. Or when the little memories fade away that were so important in high school. I really don't know but it when it does I know it will take all the breath out of me, it will hit me like a brick wall. When it hits me, I have to tell myself to keep going and remember the good times. "High school is just a stepping stone."

 "You're gonna miss this you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days haven't gone by so fast."

"I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way."

lake life

being at the lake is different...

it's my happy place rain, shine, snow and  heat....

it's where I always want to be...

it's where I can be completely myself and don't have to put up an act for anyone...

where my heart feels full...

where I can tell God exists because He created this beautiful place with amazing people...

where I have met some of the nicest people in my life...

where you can sit out on the deck for hours and talk about anything and nothing...

where you can eat ice cream for dinner and donuts for breakfast...

where you can rely on your neighbors and have them turn into family...

where you can laugh and love like crazy...

where you can make memories to last a lifetime...

where you can be on lake time and nothing else in the world matters...

where you can share your secrets and successes... 

where your hair can be messy but your smile can be bigger than ever before...

where you can never take enough pictures and never see enough sunsets and sunrises...

where you can go to sleep after smores and bonfires and wake up to pancakes...

where you can wear your swimsuit and even your pajamas in public... 

at the lake, it's different... it's a different place in a whole new world only an hour from home... because everything, everything is better at the lake.

that moment...

do you ever get that moment.. 

that moment when you know God exists... 

when the things you want in life are balancing out just perfectly... 

when you friends are full of love and genuine smiles...

 when your GPA is higher than it ever has been and your life is pretty great... 

when you are so happy you are surrounded with everything you love...

or do you ever get that moment in life when you're really not sure...

when your friends disappear and you're alone...

 do you ever get that feeling when you sit down and just don't belong... 

do you ever have that feeling of your never gonna get a job and go into a good major, that's a crappy feeling.... 

when your GPA is falling off a cliff but you're trying so hard...

 do you ever think of how you will be after graduation... 

do you ever think of any of this...

but they said...

they said...

they said senior year was going to be the best...

they said your friends will always be there for you...

they said keep going, you're fine...

they said we can hang out this weekend...

they said I'll text you...

they said see ya soon...

they said prom was going to be the best...

they said you're not stressed...

they said you'd have friends...

they said you're beautiful...

they said you'll be able to afford it all... 

they said you won't miss your friends this much...

they said you can forgive her...

they said you will be happy you're leaving high school...

they said it's not going to be hard..

they said life would turn out just fine...

they said you know what you're doing...

they said people leaving your life won't hurt at all...

they said you'll do great in college..

they said for you, making friends will be easy...

they said keeping your friends aren't hard at all...

they said you'd always get a text message from the right person...

they said people aren't always mean...

they said you're looking at it wrong...

they said you're gonna be okay..

they said you're gonna be great at it...

they said you're not going to fail..

they said try a little harder, you'll make it work...

they said all these lies that gather in my head...

they said why don't you understand this...

they said they expect so much out of me...

they said you're supposed to live like this...

He Loves You.

hey homie, hope you're doing well. 

Jesus loves sinners and He loves you so much, He created you to be in His image. He loves you when you mess up because He can heal all. 

He loves people in their broken and messiness. 

He is so strong and died for us. 

Isn't that amazing? 

Jesus literally died for our sins. 

He could stop at any moment but He didn't He died for us. 

God put these people in our lives to show us the shining light and that everything will be okay. 

Jesus changes hearts. 

He cares about you and me so incredibly much. 

He loves us even through our excuses.

It's okay to be sad and broken and messed up. 

Jesus doesn't want you to be perfect but He does want to to follow Him. 

He still knows all about you when you say no to your friends. 

He knows your positives and will give you the strength to fix the negatives in your life.

He knows what and who you surround yourself with. 

When He was on that cross, He was saying your name over and over again knowing you will follow Him.

I wanted to say Let Go and Let God. Let Him control all, even your hard times. That is completely okay, He wants you to find out more about Him. 

How could this not be real? 

I struggle with that, it's normal. How cool is it that the God who created oceans and animals and clouds and mountains and this wind and your family, all these great things, looked down into the world and said there needs to be a __fill in your name__ on this earth. He looked down and created us so individually and uniquely. He knows every single hair on our head and every thought that goes through your brain, disbelief and all. God needs nothing yet He chooses to pursue you. You are valuable, don't let anyone tell you differently. He put us on this world for a reason, to honor Him in all we do.

I hope you know that. 

no social media

here's an update on my past week, simple entries. on my no social media experience.

Monday: Just fine, went to YL didn't think about it much, phone was very empty when I woke up.

Tuesday: Thought about it a lot more, starting to bother me, Nice day out, went to play volleyball with My sister, texted some friends, planning events for  FCA, found myself bored and looking through my calendar😳

Wednesday: Busy during lunch (FCA), watched the neighbor kids at night, starting to really suck without social media but I don't have much longer now! not attached as much to my phone as I used to be. Hands don't hurt as much, Watched all the new YouTube videos. 

Thursday: Stayed after for yearbook, Took a friend home, texted a lot, realized how much I tweet and snapchat and post on Instagram

Friday (LAST DAY)  : Just have to get through until 6pm, people were using Twitter and snapchat at the lunch table, young life came after school and surprised us, how to look forward to something, people will fail you- you do it for you.

What I learned in this whole experience:

People will fail you. People aren't forever and neither is a commitment. I learned I'm pretty connected online. I'm not sure if I'll ever do this again.  Happiness isn't measured in the hours scrolling through the apps on your phone. Gods love is just the same with or without social media! 

 

On figuring myself out...

"A thousand times I've failed, but still your mercy remains." 

Does your happiness come from other unimportant people, or the people that love you unconditionally? 

Does over editing your selfies define you or does God's love for you define who you are? 

Does your happiness based on Double Stuffed Oreos and lemonade or does it rely on turning your heart to the One who made everything?

Does your personal joy come from Jesus Christ and His Holy Name or your negativity from your insecurities?

Does your strength rely on the hundreds of YouTube videos you watch or does it rely on the quiet times you have within? 

Does your self-esteem come from being beautiful in God's eyes or does it break down when others judge you and you worry too much?

Does your positivity come from scrolling on Twitter or does it come from praying to Our God?

Does your motivation come from your cell phone or really listening to your friends? 

Does your nervousness come from your late night thoughts when you can't shut your brain off thinking of earthly things or does your peace come from having a relationship with the One that created you? 

Do I want to continue to do Young Life in college or do I want to put my focus on something else?

Does your satisfaction come from text messages coming across your screen or sitting in church worshiping Jesus?

Does believing help you with everything or would you be the same plain and with nothing? 

I need to find where my heart is, where it has been and where it will be in the future. I need to let go of the past and figure out the future. Yes, I think God will provide but I have my whole future ahead of me I need to get ready for. I'm going to struggle in college I know it. I have never been in a school so large. I'm going to need to change my attitude again and I'm not ready for that jump. I need to find the answers to those questions. I need help, God. I fail constantly, I'm confused and lost and broken and I don't know what to do with my life. But, Jesus, You make my heart peaceful. 

...changes lives (for class)

Life has an amazing way of working out just before you thought it never would. 

Flashback to April of Junior Year. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was being over the top and people around me couldn't handle it. 

I was supposed to be more than happy. I was becoming a senior in high school,  less than 2 months away. But I wasn't happy with who I was or where my heart was. The argument was so real that day. Change hit me like a ton of bricks, change hit me like the worst rainstorm of my life. All the rain was pouring on me and I was looking for that rainbow. And That person will now never be in my life again and I was struggling with who I was in this big, wide and empty world. 

But I found my place in this world. Buckeye Girls State came into my life and changed it forever. Change happened and I couldn't be happier now.When I went to BGS, It opened my eyes to a brand new world.

Buckeye Girls / Boys State is a program about mock government and leadership one could attend after their junior year in high school. It's a week on two different college campuses with over 900 girls and over 1,200 boys in each program from all over Ohio. These are the students who have a unique interest in government and leadership and are willing to be Ohio's next leaders. It is sponsored by the American Legion, your post sends each student for free, all expenses paid. Buckeye Girls State is at The University Of Mount Union in Alliance, Ohio. and Buckeye Boys State was held at Bowling Green State University.  As you arrive on campus, The individual gets to sign in and receive a card with the necessary information for the week including what party they are in. At girls state, the political parties are Nationalists vs. Federalists. There is one Fed and one Nat in each room. 

Each student gets to pick, campaign and be elected to office for a certain job throughout the week. Your dorm room floor is your city and your dorm building is your county. I was in Junge City, Close County. Everyone works in different forms of government. If you don't know what you want to do going into the week, after looking over the choices before the week started, the next day is a 3 part workshop day to decide. I now Make sure I'm on time, never late, but it didn't hurt to be early. At both Boys and Girls State, You can be in the choir, band and a choice of being a highway patrol trooper. When the troopers are sworn in, each person has to wear their seatbelt. It might look like an average rubber band to anyone off of campus, but you always had to have it. I learned to Never drink and drive, Never text and drive and Always wear your seatbelt even if it's on sidewalks!! 

Throughout the week, there will be a ton of cheering, campaigning, caucuses, dress code, rallies and so much more.  The process of voting was a lot more detailed than I thought. Government is very important in our daily lives. It may seem like a lot of work walking around campus in the hot June heat, but it was so worth it. There is a free time block everyday, to chill in your room, get a smoothie at the café with your new friends, exercise or even take a nap. The girls in my city were definitely my support system and sat next to me at each meal. We all just clicked and became friends immediately. 

I had the privilege to be City Council President. It was such a surprise when the girls of Junge City nominated me for office! I was in charge of 45 other girls in my city. I found out on the 3rd day and got to wear this ribbon around on my lanyard. Only at BGS, you had to wear your lanyard everyday and everywhere outside of your dorm room. This lanyard has your key to your room, the key to your building, your meal swipe card and your identification and city/county. It was very useful to see who was yellow for nationalists and who was blue for federalists. It is so important to work together, no matter what party you are in, to get things done in an efficient manner. 

I found myself at girls state, even if it was 3 hours away. I was extremely happy to go and meet girls that weren't shoved into a high school like most girls I meet my age are and to find out that I'm not alone and there is so much to see and do and so many people to meet. I never knew half of the places in Ohio these girls were from. Did you know there is a town named Shadyside, Ohio? Either did I! Mostly, I learned to calm down, relax, have fun and smile through it all. The closing ceremony on Saturday was bittersweet. I was happy to go home. But, on the other hand, I was extremely sad to leave government functioning, all my new friends that touched my life and made me so happy, the workshops that taught me how to be the best city council president to my abilities, the cafe runs during free times, the chants we did for our cities, counties and parties. I miss it all. It's going to be a year in June.  Going back home into reality sadly, everything reminds me of my week in Alliance. I would give anything to go back! I am seriously considering coming back on staff, and using the staff  last year as my inspiration. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! I loved it so much! I highly suggest you to go and learn more about government and meet some friends that will last a lifetime. Now I know you can't get a rainbow without a little rain. I would love to meet and answer any questions you might have. Thank you! 

Dear Future Homeowners,

Dear Future Homeowners,

I don't know you.

You don't know me.

We may never know each other.

You may never read this.

We might always be strangers. 

But this house has so much meaning to me. This was my grandparents house for over 20 years. My mom told everyone she was pregnant with me in this house. I stayed in this house when my sister was being born. We wrote words on the shower doors when we were younger. We spent every Christmas at this house. I would crawl into bed with my grandma and we would watch the news together. We always went in the hot tub on the deck. We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we poured our hearts out to each other in this house. Our whole family. This house will always have such a strong presence in my heart and I never want to let that go. I knew I could always come to this house. It was my security. I would wake up in the morning and have long talks with my grandma with hot chocolate. Yes, the clock sounds every hour on the hour, usually 1-2 minutes early. My sister and I would make Buckeyes and Christmas cookies every year in this house. We would walk all over town and come back to a warm and loving home. I would spin on the chair in the computer room until i was extremely dizzy. It's something I grew up in and now it won't be apart of me anymore. There are so many memories made in that house. You are truly lucky to have this house now. "If I could just come in I swear I'll leave. Won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me." It truly is the house that built me into a better person. We may never know each other but I love crazy, comforting, strong house. Take care of it, raise your family here, make memories you will never forget. I know I will never forget this house.  It means a lot to me. 

Sincerely, 

A stranger that has a million memories here. 

Questions for God

We are supposed to radiate Jesus when He was doing all the good on Earth. But we aren't we are going towards earthly minded things that don't even make any sense. 

Yes. I truly believe Everything happens for a reason with all my heart. During tough situations my grip loosens on that quote and I'm not sure what to do or how to do it. I always say I'll figure it out. But, I'm supposed to give it to God. 

But how??

How can I give it to God? 

How is that possible? 

I'm doing everything I can, God. 

I'm giving it to you. 

I constantly get told "talk to Him. Everything is under His plan." 

Is it really?? 

Sure doesn't feel like that. 

Why did He make us broken and lost and confused?

Why did He make me to feel alone?

Why does He allow someone to be good to you and in your life forever?

Why don't I have confidence, God?

Why isn't He  answering my questions?? 

It doesn't seem like what I've heard all my life that He wants us to be. 

Why did God create me to get mad at someone? 

Why did God create me to stress out? 

Why did God create me to worry about what people think of me? 

Why did God make me awkward and not brave?

Why did God create my life for me to not know what my plan is?

Why did God make struggles in my life?

Why did God let me block out everything? 

Why did God allow people to come back into my life, when I wasn't ready? 

Why did God let me cry myself to sleep? 

 Why did God say yup this is what you're doing right now? 

Why did He make my mind wander when I'm trying to learn? 

Why does God allow me to love so much when I shouldn't?

God, Why aren't there answers to these questions? 

on forgiveness...

Life becomes easier when accept an apology you never got. -Robert Brault  

Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do. It's not easy to just forgive someone over night for all the pain, stress and hardship they caused you. It doesn't happen with a blink of an eye or clicking your heels together 3 times (believe me I've tried). It begins first off when you accept God into your heart. If you accept Him and love Him, you will have Him looking after you and guiding you to do what is right. He knows life isn't easy and accepting Him into your life isn't easy. Even if you've known God for your entire life, continuing a trusting relationship isn't easy. This is where the second step in forgiving others, to me takes place. It's the fact that saying, thinking or praying, "Yes, I know God and I love Him. I am finally ready to move on from my past." You aren't going to jump up right away when you complete these steps and forgive everyone that has ever did you wrong. You just aren't. You need to pray and think about it for as long as you need. I think supportive friends that believe the same as you, is the next step. You need to surround yourself with people who love you so much and only want the best for you. I am so proud to say, I have those friends now. I have those people that will call me out when I'm being rude or not accepting others for who they are. Grace is there and everyone deserves it.  My past has changed me into a better person. Even though, I don't have some certain people in my life, it doesn't mean I shouldn't step back and forgive them for what happened between us. I'm not just going to forget but I'm going to move on and be a better person.  God is working in my heart and I pray He is working in yours too. 

God, You are good when there's nothing left in me

It's something about constant love and support pouring into my heart that makes me the happiest. New friends and people wanting to be in my life make me happy. I guess, I just need consistency. People aren't forever, sadly. 
Imagine yourself not being here, sitting in heaven and seeing your friends. Imagine how hard that would be that you aren't there in the pictures. you aren't there to dance and smile and laugh with them. You, personally, are watching God right next to you change your friends hearts. He is doing such amazing things. But the down side is, you aren't there. 
It crushes me to think what would happen if I wasn't there. If I wasn't taking selfies and having one-on-ones with my leaders. I'm so glad I get to be apart of this supportive community. I'm surrounded at all ends with love and I couldn't be more thankful. I'm thankful for the people who pour their lives and love into me. Going to College next year, I never once realized since recently, Ohio is filled with such amazing people. 

I'm just thinking tonight about how different my life has been in the last year: 

" wow. I went to girls state and now people look up to me as a role model. "  a year ago I was applying to BGS. A year ago, my life changed. On January 29th 2015, my life changed. I didn't know it then, but it did. I grabbed the purple application packet for Girls State and my life has never been the same since. It sucks that it's just a memory now. but it's such a blessing that its a memory. 

Going from building so much hate up in my heart in March through May and then going to BGS in June. thinking back on it it's like how did I still have love to give? how did I continue? how did I smile?  but then I became friends with such amazing girls from all of Ohio and it changed me. my heart grew 3 sizes that hot muggy and rainy, no AC day in June. I was just so happy to be there and have new friends and new opportunities. I don't know what my heart would look like if I didn't go and oh I don't think I want to. it's so weird looking back like my heart was so very full of negatives and then I went to BGS and my heart smiled for the first time in months!! I met girls that were the same age as me with no bullying and we all weren't pushed into a high school like we have been. It was is different.  My heart changed. 

I am just so thankful for Girls State, and Young Life, and for the new friends God has put into my life recently. No more negative thoughts and feelings.... My heart and positivity has been changed for the better now!!

What defines me...

A unknown source once wrote, "As much as you want to plan your life, it has a surprising way with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned" I try to plan my life and control every aspect. But, I love to find out the little unexpected things in life that make me happier. I never imagined seeing myself going to the University Of Toledo next year. But, I have came to realize what I need to do. I need to have faith in my plans and my God. I need to rely on my friends and family. And I need to continue to be a leader as life goes on. What defines me isn't just the 123s or abcs of Lauren Hite. And I have no idea what someone would find if there was a dictionary with my name in it. Maybe they would find kind, caring, sweet, loving, faithful, passionate, supportive. Maybe it would say my patience, when I have nothing or my attitude, when I have everything. Or Maybe not. Maybe, that person would find under my name that one time I didn't answer my phone when my friend called me to make sure I was okay but I was broken inside or that time I hid in the school bathroom crying. But my mistakes don't define me. My mistakes aren't who I am. They were just mistakes. The definition of Mistake is to make a wrong judgment of the character or the ability to understand incorrectly. and I am so sure you wouldn't find Mistake under my name in the dictionary. Maybe, someone that turns to my name would find, Three things that define Lauren are faith, friends and family and love of being a leader. 

My faith In God is stronger than my fears. He gave me one book to read. I love to Journal my thoughts on different scripture verses. I couldn't go without my faith journal or Bible. My God is my life and I love him passionately and deeply. 

My faith comes from family, passing it on from generation to generation. Family by Definition is, a group of people who are related to each other. My family remains close to me even in times of trouble and I hope to be as good of a person to my children in the future, as they are to me now. We are very close and I don't think I will ever push aside being with them. I put my family before anyone else! 

But, God made us good friends because He knew our parents couldn't handle us as siblings The literal definition of a Friend is a person who helps or supports someone who you enjoy being with. And my friends have done just that. I have friends are there for me when I need it, I have friends that constantly pour love and support into my heart. I have realized some friends left me empty and pushed aside, but I now have new friends that our path hasn't been the smoothest but it has made us stronger friends, to this day. I strive to be strong and lead my friends through life. 

Leadership is very important in my daily life. Leadership is the understanding and pursuing the job put in front of you.  A leader according to merriam-Webster a leader is defined by a person who authority or influence. 

Leadership is not about bossing people around, it is about standing up and taking action when needed. It’s about being kind and a role model and to who people will want to look up to. Throughout my years at Evergreen, my leadership skills have skyrocketed. The leadership actions I have taken here, at EHS, are something I will never forget. 

I assure you I'm not by definition, quote on quote "perfect".  I have my mistakes and I have my brokenness. But I do know, I was called to be a leader. I was called to go to Evergreen and do great things. I was called to be in my family and I was called to have my friends. Some days, things don't go right. You need to take the steps to make it right. You should have the leadership to guide your life how you want it to go and I wish for nothing less but greatness from you. Thank you. 

Upset but stronger than the stress...

Lately, over the past 4 or so months I have not been in the best mood. I have been mad at pretty much the whole world. My attitude kinda sucked. There was so much hate built inside me and I don't know how it even started. Looking back, it felt like I was in a good spot in life. But at the time, I didn't know how to think I was just confused and tired of being pushed aside. I didn't want to be apart of anything or show up to things. I didn't want to show up and pretend I was happy and nothing was going on. Because it was.  Something deep inside of me, even when someone close to me asked how I was doing I would plain out lie. "Oh I'm doing good" "Today was an alright day"

"I'm doing just fine" 

But, really I wasn't. Even the happiest, strongest people fall down sometimes. I wanted to be so far apart from the ones I loved that I stopped posting certain things on social media and only showed up and left to basically all the events I went to. I filled myself with negative thoughts and was confused on what actually I kept acting happy for. I just kept being a positive person but I would fall apart soon after. 

Im always reminding myself to continue to be strong and positive. There are so many amazing and beautiful things God has put on this Earth for us to discover. He put friends you can lean on when you don't think you can keep up with this constant race, we keep running in circles doing the same thing over and over. I'm on lap (day) 16/366 right now. But, don't act like while you're running and pushing through life that you will experience the same thing, you won't. There will be a spot that's just for you in Heaven and that's our main goal. 

You might not get into the college you saw yourself at or you might be sick when you want to go somewhere with your friends, promise me that you won't be mad at God. He is doing the best for you. He loves you so much.I think of it as He has a huge notebook and you and your life has a page full of awesome content. He wants to see your strengths. He wants you to turn to him and stop saying "I'll figure it out." Because you won't... you'll be lost and scared and tired and broken. 

As you're going through each and everyday, feel more confident, raise your head high and start smiling through it all. Maybe it won't go the way you planned but God has it perfectly under control. He's not stressed on what will happen to you tomorrow, He knows it all. When you can't breathe because you're rushing through everything, slow down and look for the positives. It might be a friend that sends you a really nice message or a good grade on your homework you struggled on last night or an awesome new Bible verse you are dying to tell everyone you know. But maybe just maybe we all need to be a little stronger and a little more happy in life. I wish you nothing but good luck, well wishes and all time happiness in your life.