On A Year...

 *Lessons I Unfortunately Had To Learn In A Year*

The lessons you have to learn in the first year of grieving are really tough, something you can’t put into words… (and the fact that you go through this for the rest of your life is even harder)

            -The first and I would say the biggest lesson I have learned is: Time is weird. I say this one because for months after the tragedy struck, I kept referring to it as “this week” or as a bit of time went on I would say “last week,” when it clearly wasn’t anymore. This messed with my entire way of thinking about time, and sadly how much time has passed without him here. I have had to stop saying “About a year ago…” when I am speaking about something we did together. I am trying to remind myself that those experiences we shared weren’t from about a year ago and that it was from about a year before he died. 

    Time has also been one of the only things that has helped me with this whole grieving process. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to take some time to breathe and grieve and regain my balance in this life. I have spent a whole lot of nights in my bed, watching Hallmark movies and eating vanilla ice cream. I also hibernated during quarantine since my busy schedule got thrown out the window so I had ample time to be by myself. The stay at home order feels different when you are grieving, like there is nothing else you need to do- yet, process and come to peace with it. It also has helped a bit to separate myself, for the most part, from a lot of the places we share memories at. I am thankful I was able to take a step back from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Little by little, I have been trying to get my life back on track, even if it’s just a wheel or two. 

        -One of the most recent things I have learned in this past year is to just look at the few steps ahead of you. You don’t always have to look at the big picture, focus on what’s right in front of you. For a while, you just have to get through the day. Then, get through the next. Then, the next and so on. At some point after, you are figuring out how to keep going. 

This is something I never wanted to go through, which I’m sure you understand. No one chooses this...

        -But, I have learned that I… that people… that my friend group… We can do hard and scary things. You know why? Because we have done them before. We have a God that is 100% behind us in our worst days and 100% behind us on our best days. I hope you can hear, in your own mind, how exaggerated I want this to sound. 100% people! His love never changes, He loves us exactly how we are. My friends and I have gotten through some of the darkest, darkest days together. We might not always have the answers or reasons behind it all. But, we have come out stronger and with a better appreciation for each other because of it. Joy and Grief can go hand and hand and that’s just how life works. I've learned that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting. That darkness doesn't last forever. That life is a combination of grief and joy and that regardless of which cycle I'm in, goodness can be found. One minute we can be crying and one minute we can be laughing. It’s how life happens and it’s how it’s going to continue to happen from here on out. 

We have learned that the storms never ever stop… But neither do the rainbows.

        -I have also learned how to take care of and be strong for myself and for everyone else in the midst of our turmoil. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Years feel like seconds when you look back. I am so proud to know people who lift me up before themselves and who have turned me closer to Jesus in the roughest spot I have been in. I am happy to have a support system who helps me in all aspects of this journey. 

    Losing him broke me, but in so many ways, his short existence in my life still managed to gift me with so many things I will never forget. It taught me how to love others in such a unique way, how to put Jesus first, how to find adventure in the tiniest of situations… and the list goes on and on. Even though this past year has looked nothing, nothing like we thought it might- I’m choosing to thank the Lord for the time I did get to spend with him. 

He was truly my best friend who God is still using to work wonders in my life.