on healing…

Grieving is hard and messy and unorganized. It’s something you never ask or wish you have to do because if you have to grieve, that means tragedy rocked your world. Healing happens slowly in your heart and then your heart breaks apart over and over again. It’s going great one minute and the next it’s failing. It’s completely collapsing on the couch when you get home and try not to remember anything. It’s not magical or pretty. Grieving is completely draining and exhausting.

Sometimes it really is easier to sit back and watch the world go by… to be angry at why the sun still rises and why the world still turns without your loved one here on Earth. Believe me I get it. I wonder the same thing.

But the real healing… that can only come from engaging in life again. You can be with others during this time but, at the end of the day you have to walk your own path -at your own pace- with your own intense pain and your own wide open wounds. You have to do this one by yourself. On this path, your heart will be in a million tiny pieces and you have to pick them all up and figure out how to put them all back together. But the good news is that there, in your broken heart, your loved one lives on. 
It’s the time to lean on God as much as possible. 
To know He is still good. 
To know your loved one is in His arms now.

It’s nothing you get can ever get over, it’s just a new normal you unfortunately 

have to face without wanting to. Try to soak up every moment as much as you can with your people, etch the memories in your heart so you can remember it when you need to. It hurts because love leaves a mark, it’s supposed to. 

Remembering them is easy. I’m sure you do it everyday. But missing them is the tough part. That heartache never goes away and sometimes a tear or two slip from your eye.

But whenever you miss them, remember how lucky you were to know them, be thankful to God that He put them in your life and all of the incredible moments you’ve shared.

Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. 
But it does go on. 
Healing does happen. 
They are looking down on you through it all.

on summer 2019

After writing this intro what feels like 100 times in my head over the past 3 months, I figured I should actually sit down to start this. 
Summer 2019 was interesting and all over the place- probably how this
blog post is going to go.

This summer I worked at a local outdoor event venue. 
I have learned about all the preparation it takes to put events on. 
It is a very detailed process. I had my own desk and
decorated a spot in my office. I spent most of my days
scheduling and posting on Facebook,
creating posters on Canva, decorating for upcoming events,
and answering phones. I had the chance to work
national concerts like Billy Currington,
Chase Rice, Scotty McCreery and more. 
I decorated for the Disco Party, the 80’s Party
and the 90’s Party.  I have met some really
great people through it all as well. 
It felt like home- everyone laughed together,
checked in on me and helped out whenever needed. 
I really am going to miss that place. 
I am not sure where I will go next for a job but I am giving it all to God.

I was very happy at my job for the past 3 months and all,
but I missed my campers at Storer. 
I followed along with some pictures each week
and I just know they had the chance to experience the camp
magic more and more.

I also missed my friends more than I ever have

this summer. We are all so busy lately

and I just miss how life used to be.

Going into this semester I am hopeful that I will gain knowledge 
I need to receive my degree (not sure when yet, stay tuned!), 
that I will keep up a good work ethic and in everything I do-  act more like Jesus.

on 7 years…

road trip to the lighthouse,

happy as can be,

smiling in the picture,

always looking back at me.

2 weeks later-

a phone call,

a call that changed us forever.

“ICU” they said,

that can’t be good.

a few days go by,

you don’t look any better.
"It's getting worse" they said,

frustrating not to see you,

always looking back at me.

did you hear me talking to you now?

you will say “Every word.” when I meet

you at The Gates.

because I know from up there,
you’re always looking back at me.

sometimes I just need a smile,

to know it's all okay, from you,

always looking back at me.

just a season…

I wanted to get on here and give an update to what has been going on in my life. I have always felt like a weight was just lifted from my shoulders when I write- I love having a place to share anything I want. There hasn’t been anything bad at all that has happened, life is going great for me right now. But to get to this point, it took me about a month and a half. (a VERY rainy month and a half, it’s currently thunderstorming at the moment I am typing this)

    In Mid-April I had an interview for an internship for a company that I have dreamed of working for since I was young. I even turned an application in and was in contact with them. It’s now June and I haven’t heard anything. I waited about three weeks and then honestly, I got tired of waiting. I got pretty upset when I never heard anything back. I still love the company I just don’t think they needed an intern when I applied.

    At the three week mark, I started looking for jobs all over the internet. The place I work at now doesn’t offer many hours in the summer. So, I was looking for something to get experience in for my major and to add to my resume… something within a half hour of my house, preferably in social media, news reporting ect. I have event assisting experience and I absolutely love people. I will talk to just about anyone! I think I signed up for at least six or more job websites and still nothing. When I started to see the same job postings over and over, I had two main thoughts.  The first was, “I am going to have to plan ahead after I graduate to move away since there is not many opportunities around in my major.” My second thought was to just take matters into my own hands and do it myself! I have never really been someone who has to stay within their comfort zone at moments like this. I decided to email a huge list of companies in my area to see if they needed a social media intern. I got a lot of emails back that day unfortunately all of them were nos.

The next morning I received an email from a local outdoor event venue about 15 minutes from my house- the email said “Yes! Can you come in this week for an interview?” I went in a few days later and I was hired within three minutes into the interview! It is a paid position, I get reimbursed for my gas and I can also use this internship for class credit. I had finally found something I wanted to do- social media and event assisting. It was right in front of my face the whole time. There is a possibility for me to work into the fall/winter as well. The craziest part of this whole experience was when I was talking to my boss, she mentioned that they were just about to put out a job posting of my exact position. God really provides, He is so so good! I was excited to start last night for their first concert of the summer. I learned a ton about the business and how behind the scenes works. I could not be more thankful to be at a place that I get to learn and grow at. They also said there are opportunities to grow within the company.

I have a desk in an office which I am very happy about! I will be decorating it in a few days and can not wait to see it all put together. I will totally appreciate any tips you may have for decorating a small space for a girl like me- always with a. lot. of. stuff! This summer is going to be really fun, I will be sure to post more when I know more:))

The point of this blog post on this rainy first evening of June is to know that during your toughest time God still loves you. It’s only a season, you will get through it and come out of it better than ever. Just like the rainbow after the rain, there is always hope for bigger things. Being a Christian in this world is not easy. God never promised it was going to be but He DID promise to be with us during every step of this crazy journey.

A letter to Barton Lake

missing this view a lot lately so I wrote a poem about it for class!!

‘A letter to Barton Lake’ 

hometown station turned to static,

passing through state lines,

the most familiar route,

un-click the seat belt.

feet start running in the hard grass,

immediately up the stairs,

and into my grandma’s arms,

I am greeted by the comforting smell of the summertime lake air, I have always loved.

pink flip flops,

sticky sunscreen,

and awkward tan lines,

summertime friends,

independence from the rest of society, 

old wooden docks,

jumping off the pontoon,

splashes of lake water,

hang up your towel,

ice cream drips from the hot July sun,

blue daytime skies,

and sweet s’mores to end each night,

stargazing on the deck after the sunset,

suitcases filled to the top like balloons, 

couch bed pulled out, 

fan always spinning, 

my eyes slowly shut already ready 

to do it all over again.

My word for 2019

Okay okay I know what you were thinking right when you clicked on this… ‘Lauren, we are a whole week into 2019 why are you just now posting this?’ To be honest, I have had a lot going on the last few weeks of last year. I also like to make sure I am completely in love with my word that I will keep all year. Oh and I really loved my word of 2018 and wanted to keep it!!

Ever since I was a senior in high school, I’ve had a word after reading the book “One Word” it goes through different steps of finding a word you can keep for your year/life, which is pretty neat. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a life word, I think that is too much commitment for me at the moment.

My past words of the year:

2016-> beginning. I was beginning my first real job, Beginning college and all that comes with college life. I didn’t want to put too much emphasis on leaving high school and leaving everything I knew for the past year. I decided to look on the positive side and chose ‘beginning’.

2017-> I originally chose the word ‘wait’ but I shifted it to ‘growth’ about 3ish months in because of what all happened in my life. I think that people change and situations change and it is okay to actually switch.  Growth like moving on and growing. I also had the quote ‘bloom where you’re planted’ quote on my mind for most of this year. 

2018-> wholeheartedly. This past year, I really stuck with my word. I was proud that I kept using this word daily. I was putting my all into everything, camp, work, school, home, friendships. I really pushed myself to keep going even when I thought I couldn’t anymore. I was super sad about not keeping this word. I will always use this word but once January 1st of this year hit, I knew it was time to chose something else. I talk to my aunt, my mom’s sister, on the phone pretty much every night. Last night I was explaining this all to her and she said “You don’t have to get rid of your 2018 word, you can just build on it!” And that is so true and exactly what I’m going to do!

So 2019?! Actually, up until today these were my thoughts -> ‘Honestly, I’m not sure. I don’t want to pick a word and not be able to actually keep it. Something Happy & Positive definitely.’

Today, I kept thinking about my past blog posts each year where I write about my new word. The word that kept coming back to me was ‘focus’. I have always said “The word I’m focusing on this year is …” or “This year, I’m really trying to focus on doing…”

So I decided… why not focus on ‘focus’!?

If you know me, you know I get distracted really easily. I think I’ve got distracted over 10 times just writing this blog post about not getting distracted. (Lol whoops) I have always needed to focus more in my life. The book I mentioned where I got this idea from says “Choose a God word, not just a good word.” This year, I want to focus more on learning about my faith and focus on trusting God. I want to focus on getting good grades and everything I do in school. I really need to focus on my friends and family more. I’d like to focus on looking ahead into the future and stop worrying about the past— something I tend to do often. I also need to focus more on my blog and my internship. I always need to focus at work and at home. I desperately need to focus on myself more as well. In conclusion, I’m going focus more on any interesting adventure I get myself into, focus more on the little details of life and focus more on pretty much everything.

“Dear brothers and sisters, I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.”

‭‭-Philippians‬ ‭3:13‬ 

Thank you, 2018

2018… wow it’s been a year of wholehearted adventures. full of growth, learning and laughter. Looking back on the past 12 months, I am proud to say I have personally accomplished a lot. 

I’ve said it many times but I lived and worked at camp from June through August. In the 6 months leading up to camp this year, I was preparing as much as I could. Mentally and physically. This summer put me through a lot. Many times I thought that I wasn’t going to make it, that I wasn’t doing enough for myself or my campers and I was pushing myself as much as I actually could. I came home crying a few times sadly. Actually, that wasn’t just this summer. That was this year in general. This year threw many curveballs my way that I didn’t necessarily know how to handle. I have gotten a lot closer with God this year. And hope my relationship with Him keeps growing each year!

This past year taught me so much about healing. I have had a lot of time to just step back and work on healing myself. I’m proud to say, right now I’m doing the best I have about this situation in a long time!

A quick overview and some highlights from my 2018: 

In January, I went to Washington DC for my 3rd time there (4th time in a few weeks!!)

I also won free Tshirts from Sassy Frass TShirts for a year! 

In February, I went to camp for the weekend. (you’ll start to notice a little bit of a trend haha) And actually the big thing that was on my heart and mind this month, was I was put into a situation that ended with a decision that I knew I had to make. I didn’t make  an angry decision- I prayed for weeks about it and I realized it was finally time. I chose myself over an organization I was apart of for almost 2 years. I personally chose to be happy, instead of involved, which I can admit has been difficult in many ways since I left. But, in this situation, I wholeheartedly chose myself instead of anything else. I didn’t stay involved in something just because it was comfortable to me. I really didn’t know what the future held but I knew this is what I wanted. 

In March, I took my first trip to Cincinnati and  we went to Kentucky for the first time as well! I hung out with Dan & Chris the whole weekend and have wanted to go back since! I went to my first eagle eye retreat, It really was a trip that I needed. 

In April, the lake house opened and I spent time there before I had to leave for camp. I also spend a lot of time with the girls I babysit and The Crew. Also in April and May, I was struggling a lot with change in my friend group. We were all still friends but I was moving away for the summer, and a lot of my friends were moving into new houses or leaving for the summer as well. I wanted to spend as much time with them in the current season we were in as much as possible.

In May, I finished sophomore year of college! I was also at the lake a bunch and then took a trip to Cedar Point with Pip and Chris. On this trip, I learned my best friends Christy and Kev were having a baby due in early December! I also got an iPhone X in May. I was convinced I would never get rid of my 6s because I loved it but it was getting really slow. I am enjoying my new phone and it was nice to know my phone would work at camp.

Then June finally came! I had 9 days to pack my suitcases, scroll through articles found on google about being a great camp counselor, take a picture and post that I was going to be at camp for the next two months, and say goodbye to my friends and family! The first week was staff training- full of learning and meeting new friends. We put our hammocks up and “hung” out all week!

This summer, I became a camp counselor for the first time to 7 different groups of 7-9 year old girls. When I got my first session of campers, I was beyond excited and that’s when my full summer at camp actually started! 20 days of camp later, Storer had its 100 year celebration. It was incredible. So many people and about 100 degrees but everyone was happy to be at camp again. It was very interesting to meet people that also love the same place I do- and have for years and hopefully many more to come!

July was just full of camp for me. I got to come home each Friday evening and had to be back early Sunday morning!  I had such sweet campers but there were a lot of nights where I didn’t think I was good enough for them. The drive there and back every weekend was actually pretty nice to be able to reflect on my past week or my week that was soon to start right when my feet hit the ground. July was also the month where my mom, dad, sister and I started to love word searches. Why? I have no idea but it was something random and fun to do together!

August came and we finished with summer camp and on my birthday (August 5th), we started Camp Catch a Rainbow- which is a week-long camp for kids with cancer. The campers and their volunteers taught me so much about myself, how strong and smart they are and basically just about the world around me as well. They were amazing. This week was totally my favorite week of the summer! When CCAR was over, I got to come home for good! I was very sad I wasn’t going back to camp, just a few days later and knew I would miss my campers a lot but oh my gosh was I excited to be home!

September was the month where I was just getting back into the swing of things at home and I started my first semester of junior year! I also went to Cedar Point again for their Christian Point Fest concert- we saw Hollyn, Crowder, For King and Country and TobyMac. I loved it! Oh and The Fulton County Fair! How could I forget! I’ve been going to fair since I was less than a month old. We also watched fireworks on a random night in late September, which was hilarious!

In October, I went to the lake a few last times of the season. I also traveled back to camp and worked the CCAR Family Camp! It was so sweet to get to meet some of my camper’s families. On the last night, I sung my campers a song that is really special to the camp staff and I wanted to cry because I knew I wasn’t going to be there for another year.

In November, I went on a super fun weekend trip to Hocking Hills with the Catholic Student Association at UT. It was totally out of my comfort zone because I didn’t know many people and we hiked for a total of 5 and half hours on that Saturday. But I am so glad I went and got to experience the beauty around me that God gave us! After that trip, I got sick. I don’t even mean for a few days….  I mean for 3 and half weeks. It was really     bad :(

In December, all I did was prepare Christmas presents for The Crew and my family! And go to Christmas parties. I also got to meet sweet Baby James. I can’t believe how cute he is:) I went to his baptism in late December and got to see all of my friends again. It was a really nice day!

This year was one for the books for sure. Lots of learning and growing and becoming a better version of myself.  I learned how to walk away from something I loved for almost 2 years and how to walk into something I have always wanted to do. I kept moving on from things that I knew weren't going to help me in the long run, and found more things to put my mind too. I learned to wholeheartedly rely on God to get me through tough times and enjoy where I was. This summer at camp really showed me how to get creative and love the world around me. 2018 taught me how to move on and learn something totally new. I worked a lot, went to school each day of the week, tried to keep my room clean and be with my family and friends and babysat in between. It got hectic at times but I am just so blessed to be able to do so much with my life right now. I’m not sure what this next year holds but I am excited to find out!

Wholehearted: to complete with sincerity and commitment.