On Wednesday, I felt a lot of things were holding me back. Including embarrassment of what others think of me. I have always had somewhere deep down tell me that people always make fun of me. If that's right or not, you tell me. But sometimes I believe it. No telling how much I think about it at certain times. Yes, I've grown out of that thought but sometimes it comes back. It feels different but it might really be true. Raises up through my toes and straight to my brain. Maybe it's the people at school, maybe it's family, maybe it's not any of those things. Maybe I don't care what people think anymore. Maybe it's confidence but I know I'm strong and better than anyone who doesn't like me for genuinely me.
Thursday. Thanksgiving. November 26.
I am extremely thankful for my family, friends, young life, BGS2015. I am also thinking what's holding me back is my strength and fear. Strength that I have today and Fear that I don't know about every tomorrow. I don't know where in life I'm going or will end up basically, but I know if I keep my friends and family close I'll always know what to do.
On Friday November 27, I felt like my feelings were holding me back. When you're down and tired and broken. When you don't want to talk to anyone about anything or even watch tv and just sit in your blankets on a rainy day. I'm worn out. I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I really don't know what's next.
Then Saturday November 28 , I felt like being busy was holding me back. Stretching myself a hundred different ways. Being everywhere and doing everything at once. Keeping up at home, with friends, school, money and so much more. Believe me I love to be busy. I love to have things to do. I love to be involved at school and be in clubs. I love hanging out with friends so so very much. I feel like my friends and YL leaders have grabbed my hand and pulled me through the rough times. And it's not that. Sometimes even though it's hard to admit, I don't live by God First, Others Second, I'm Third.. and that's really sad. I get caught up in my daily life and balancing high school and college, that I honestly don't continue a relationship with God but I need to and that's what young life is for. It's so easy to get caught up in your routine and not make time for yourself or God or anything else that matters to you.
Sunday November 29, I felt like being scared and nervous of certain places held me back. This week, I have seen a movie in theaters and been to the mall. With all the craziness going on in the world right now, I felt scared. I didn't know what to do without looking around like crazy. I have been raised in a small and very safe community. We don't have much media or too much hectic activity. We are secluded in our safe and plush neighborhood that we are so lucky to live in. Yes, we can go out of our town but like I have mentioned: You can take the girl out of the country, but not the country out of the girl. My heart is here and this is where I want to raise my family someday. We love our little village and don't want to give it up. I've always been scared of the big city.
On Monday November 30th, it felt like for most of the day I could be myself. Even though, I have piles of work and many upcoming tests and everything flipped upside down, today was a good day. Sometimes, change is good. Maybe I need to accept that and not try to control everything.
Well Tuesday December 1st, I feel like I am getting happier and happier each day as I do these. Today was a good day. Overwhelmingly busy, but good. It wasn't my normal routine at school today and I kind of appreciated it. Today was a different round about way of doing things and I liked it. It was cloudy outside, just like my thoughts. But, unlike the clouds, I'm confused. The clouds aren't. They snow and rain when it's supposed too. When God thinks it's a good day for rain or snow. The clouds keep moving and eventually leave just like people. I will leave high school, after graduation, I will walk out for the last time. Just like the clouds, I will disappear from the high school air and won't ever be in the same place again.
Wednesday December 2nd. My sisters birthday. Today was a gloomy day. Fog in the morning and clouds all day. Today was different. Today felt like I got back to my roots. We had pizza bob and tomato soup at lunch just like HTS and now we are having breakfast for dinner. Well, I realized this blog didn't get anywhere. I am smiling more and I am more happy after I talked to Layal. One week since I sat down and talked to my best friend, Layal. What is holding me back? I'm not 100% sure but I do know. I have a God who loves me unconditionally. He loves all of you. He loves my leaders and my friends from school. He loves you and me so much. What's holding me back may not be a perfectly planned life or no control over my future. But God knows. He created me and He loves me. He knows all the hairs on my head and what I'm going to be doing 6 years and 2 months from now. He has my life in His hands.
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