last days of high school...

I guess it just really hasn't hit me yet.

I'm not going back. 

I'm not going to have anymore enrichments or ten minute breaks.

I'm not going to have another year or another month or another week or another day. this is it.

I'm not going to be there sitting at my table every morning.

Maybe it will hit me Thursday afternoon when I'm cleaning out my locker for the last time. 

Or on Friday, my last full day of high school, my last bells, my last school lunch, my last breath of high school.

Maybe it will hit me early that Monday morning, when I wake up rushing to get to 1st block because that's all I've ever known. Or when I go back on Monday afternoon, just because I miss it so much. Or really bad Monday night  when I see all the posts from underclassmen missing the seniors. 

Or Tuesday when I'm checking my final grades. 

Or Wednesday at graduation practice realizing woah this is truly it for the class of 2016.

Maybe on graduation day thinking we are officially done. 

Or just one afternoon when I take "senior in HS" out of my bio and it takes everything out of me not to do it

Or when I try to sign into my school account and all the memory is deleted

Or when I'm scheduling college classes and maybe even my first day at college, when I'm alone,looking for a familiar face.

Or even a month into college when I don't know anything that's going on and I'm not leading anymore high school club meetings.

Or a random Sunday night when I'm laying in bed, crying wanting to go back.

Even just a day I drive by, and pull into my parking spot

Or when I want to go back and help and visit everyone and I'll have to get a visitors pass. 

Or a weird Tuesday night in November when you randomly get kicked out of the group chat, for no apparent reason at all.

Or when I just pause, out of no where and just stop whatever I'm doing and pause. a million good and a million bad moments going through my mind. Days when I'm missing it the most. Days when I remember how much I hated it before I came. Days when I remember I had the best 4 years of my life here. 

Days when I actually use skills I learned in and out of the classroom in real life. 

Or maybe it will happen every single day until I finally move on. Or when the little memories fade away that were so important in high school. I really don't know but it when it does I know it will take all the breath out of me, it will hit me like a brick wall. When it hits me, I have to tell myself to keep going and remember the good times. "High school is just a stepping stone."

 "You're gonna miss this you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days haven't gone by so fast."

"I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way."

lake life

being at the lake is different...

it's my happy place rain, shine, snow and  heat....

it's where I always want to be...

it's where I can be completely myself and don't have to put up an act for anyone...

where my heart feels full...

where I can tell God exists because He created this beautiful place with amazing people...

where I have met some of the nicest people in my life...

where you can sit out on the deck for hours and talk about anything and nothing...

where you can eat ice cream for dinner and donuts for breakfast...

where you can rely on your neighbors and have them turn into family...

where you can laugh and love like crazy...

where you can make memories to last a lifetime...

where you can be on lake time and nothing else in the world matters...

where you can share your secrets and successes... 

where your hair can be messy but your smile can be bigger than ever before...

where you can never take enough pictures and never see enough sunsets and sunrises...

where you can go to sleep after smores and bonfires and wake up to pancakes...

where you can wear your swimsuit and even your pajamas in public... 

at the lake, it's different... it's a different place in a whole new world only an hour from home... because everything, everything is better at the lake.

that moment...

do you ever get that moment.. 

that moment when you know God exists... 

when the things you want in life are balancing out just perfectly... 

when you friends are full of love and genuine smiles...

 when your GPA is higher than it ever has been and your life is pretty great... 

when you are so happy you are surrounded with everything you love...

or do you ever get that moment in life when you're really not sure...

when your friends disappear and you're alone...

 do you ever get that feeling when you sit down and just don't belong... 

do you ever have that feeling of your never gonna get a job and go into a good major, that's a crappy feeling.... 

when your GPA is falling off a cliff but you're trying so hard...

 do you ever think of how you will be after graduation... 

do you ever think of any of this...

but they said...

they said...

they said senior year was going to be the best...

they said your friends will always be there for you...

they said keep going, you're fine...

they said we can hang out this weekend...

they said I'll text you...

they said see ya soon...

they said prom was going to be the best...

they said you're not stressed...

they said you'd have friends...

they said you're beautiful...

they said you'll be able to afford it all... 

they said you won't miss your friends this much...

they said you can forgive her...

they said you will be happy you're leaving high school...

they said it's not going to be hard..

they said life would turn out just fine...

they said you know what you're doing...

they said people leaving your life won't hurt at all...

they said you'll do great in college..

they said for you, making friends will be easy...

they said keeping your friends aren't hard at all...

they said you'd always get a text message from the right person...

they said people aren't always mean...

they said you're looking at it wrong...

they said you're gonna be okay..

they said you're gonna be great at it...

they said you're not going to fail..

they said try a little harder, you'll make it work...

they said all these lies that gather in my head...

they said why don't you understand this...

they said they expect so much out of me...

they said you're supposed to live like this...

He Loves You.

hey homie, hope you're doing well. 

Jesus loves sinners and He loves you so much, He created you to be in His image. He loves you when you mess up because He can heal all. 

He loves people in their broken and messiness. 

He is so strong and died for us. 

Isn't that amazing? 

Jesus literally died for our sins. 

He could stop at any moment but He didn't He died for us. 

God put these people in our lives to show us the shining light and that everything will be okay. 

Jesus changes hearts. 

He cares about you and me so incredibly much. 

He loves us even through our excuses.

It's okay to be sad and broken and messed up. 

Jesus doesn't want you to be perfect but He does want to to follow Him. 

He still knows all about you when you say no to your friends. 

He knows your positives and will give you the strength to fix the negatives in your life.

He knows what and who you surround yourself with. 

When He was on that cross, He was saying your name over and over again knowing you will follow Him.

I wanted to say Let Go and Let God. Let Him control all, even your hard times. That is completely okay, He wants you to find out more about Him. 

How could this not be real? 

I struggle with that, it's normal. How cool is it that the God who created oceans and animals and clouds and mountains and this wind and your family, all these great things, looked down into the world and said there needs to be a __fill in your name__ on this earth. He looked down and created us so individually and uniquely. He knows every single hair on our head and every thought that goes through your brain, disbelief and all. God needs nothing yet He chooses to pursue you. You are valuable, don't let anyone tell you differently. He put us on this world for a reason, to honor Him in all we do.

I hope you know that. 

no social media

here's an update on my past week, simple entries. on my no social media experience.

Monday: Just fine, went to YL didn't think about it much, phone was very empty when I woke up.

Tuesday: Thought about it a lot more, starting to bother me, Nice day out, went to play volleyball with My sister, texted some friends, planning events for  FCA, found myself bored and looking through my calendar😳

Wednesday: Busy during lunch (FCA), watched the neighbor kids at night, starting to really suck without social media but I don't have much longer now! not attached as much to my phone as I used to be. Hands don't hurt as much, Watched all the new YouTube videos. 

Thursday: Stayed after for yearbook, Took a friend home, texted a lot, realized how much I tweet and snapchat and post on Instagram

Friday (LAST DAY)  : Just have to get through until 6pm, people were using Twitter and snapchat at the lunch table, young life came after school and surprised us, how to look forward to something, people will fail you- you do it for you.

What I learned in this whole experience:

People will fail you. People aren't forever and neither is a commitment. I learned I'm pretty connected online. I'm not sure if I'll ever do this again.  Happiness isn't measured in the hours scrolling through the apps on your phone. Gods love is just the same with or without social media! 

 

On figuring myself out...

"A thousand times I've failed, but still your mercy remains." 

Does your happiness come from other unimportant people, or the people that love you unconditionally? 

Does over editing your selfies define you or does God's love for you define who you are? 

Does your happiness based on Double Stuffed Oreos and lemonade or does it rely on turning your heart to the One who made everything?

Does your personal joy come from Jesus Christ and His Holy Name or your negativity from your insecurities?

Does your strength rely on the hundreds of YouTube videos you watch or does it rely on the quiet times you have within? 

Does your self-esteem come from being beautiful in God's eyes or does it break down when others judge you and you worry too much?

Does your positivity come from scrolling on Twitter or does it come from praying to Our God?

Does your motivation come from your cell phone or really listening to your friends? 

Does your nervousness come from your late night thoughts when you can't shut your brain off thinking of earthly things or does your peace come from having a relationship with the One that created you? 

Do I want to continue to do Young Life in college or do I want to put my focus on something else?

Does your satisfaction come from text messages coming across your screen or sitting in church worshiping Jesus?

Does believing help you with everything or would you be the same plain and with nothing? 

I need to find where my heart is, where it has been and where it will be in the future. I need to let go of the past and figure out the future. Yes, I think God will provide but I have my whole future ahead of me I need to get ready for. I'm going to struggle in college I know it. I have never been in a school so large. I'm going to need to change my attitude again and I'm not ready for that jump. I need to find the answers to those questions. I need help, God. I fail constantly, I'm confused and lost and broken and I don't know what to do with my life. But, Jesus, You make my heart peaceful.