to my best guy friend…

To my Best Guy Friend,

I know I don’t say it a lot, because it’s soo much more fun to mess with you, but I do love you. Don’t freak out, I’m not talking like that. I mean that you’re my best friend, and I love you for sticking around for this long. Somehow you did through all the crap we've been through, and I couldn’t be luckier. You have been my friend since kindergarten and now we are a year out of high school. That's the longest friendship we both have had. After all these years, I feel like it’s time to finally let you know how blessed I am to have you. And I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t show it, but really, when all else fails, you’re the one I turn to. I want to let you know how thankful I am that you came into my life.

Thank you for letting me pick up all your broken pieces. And picking up mine. Thank you for texting me when you knew I was walking alone at night and keeping me up late sending me a million emojis.You’ve kept me sane and I’ve kept you honest. We have a weird language between each other and we always call each other old people.  We just "wing it" together and that's my favorite memories of us.

I know we get crap from everyone we know for being friends for so long but they just don’t understand how we could care about each other as best friends.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep you around because honestly, you’re kind of a jerk. But you're my jerk. And while I’ll admit that it’s not exactly easy putting up with me, I also know that I have to put up with you, so that pretty much makes us even. Like when you don't text back for hours on end!!

Thank you for endless laughter. Whenever I’m in a bad mood, rather than having me talk it out, you try to make me feel better- usually with your stupid jokes. You always know the right thing to say to put a smile on my face and to make my stomach hurt from laughter. You are the only person I have ever had a snapchat streak with (no matter now many times we loose it). 

Thanks for making me feel like my advice and opinion matter. That girl is gross, by the way, you should stop talking to her, is what I always said to you in high school. Thank you for being my go-to when I feel like no one else would listen about my problems, and for listening to me even though I’m really really repetitive. Thanks for agreeing to sit in rocking chairs with me when we're 80. Thanks for being so alike. We know a lot about each other and I wouldn't want to change it. And thank you for keeping -all my secrets…you were the one I texted when I was crying after getting made fun of in school, & it really is very much appreciated.

Thank you for being there at all hours of the day. Sometimes when it seems like no one cares, you always make a point to show that you do. I’m afraid to bother other people with my problems, but you’re always more than willing to talk to me. You rationalize everything I say and talk sense into me when I’m being ridiculous. 

Thank you for your constant positivity. You’ve never had a terrible outlook on life, even when nothing is going your way. It’s a reminder for me to stay strong when things aren’t looking too great because the storm will always pass. We’ve been through so many holidays, life events and bumps in the road as best friends but you have always been there for me. 

So here’s to you: my best guy friend. I truly do value our friendship. Here’s to many more years of calling each other out on the crap we get in to but not wanting to get in it with anyone else and proving that there is a way for guys and girls to truly be best friends.

From,

Your Best Girl Friend

a year ago my life changed… #gorockets

{ one year ago today I made the best decision of my life… to become a Rocket at The University of Toledo!!💙🚀

this year has been messy, really hard, stressful and super confusing, 

but this year has also been great, full of joy and laughter and amazing memories. 

it's been a year of learning how to be the best me I can be. I have grown tremendously and became a better person in college. 

I have made friends with brand new people who I have had the awesome privilege to meet, in this crazy year of my life.

these past 365 days have been jam packed with mistakes made, planning for college before the school year started, working, commuting 35 minutes to campus, walking too far to get to class, becoming a freshman camp counselor, creating PINK campus events, spending a lot on food and homework to the max.

But through all that, this is home & I don't think I would change my decision to attend UT!💙🚀💙🚀 }

my secret to being a Freshman Camp Counselor

Hey you.

If you opened this to read it, chances are that you are probably one of the following:

1. A UT Freshman Camp Counselor/ Coordinator 
2. An incoming Freshman to The University Of Toledo 
3. Or maybe you just wanted to read about secrets... who knows.

But, here we go. I have a secret. 

Freshman Camp has changed me drastically since July 2016 and now being in college as a Counselor. 

Ever since my cousin went to FC, a few years ago and loved it, I knew I was going to go as well. 

I knew that my counselors were on campus, at camp and in the cabins. 

I knew that my counselors wanted to hang out with me and learn more about me. 

That weekend, I knew that my counselors cared for me already and didn't even know me that well. 

Heres the thing though - I didn't know a lot about my counselors or even Freshman Camp, in general. 

I didn't know they prepared a year in advance for their campers. 

I didn't know that they had a group chat that was only for important messages and a group chat that was more for fun where anyone could text in. 

I didn't know they had meals all the time together. 

I didn't know that The University YMCA house was basically a home away from home and they could hang out there whenever they wanted to. 

I didn't know that they gave up quality time with her friends or time to do homework, so that they could come to meeting on Thursday nights at 8PM in the union. 

I didn't know that being a "broke college student" was a real thing - and that she really spent her last $5 on me when I wanted to hang out on campus. 

I didn't know when I was walking through Rocket Hall, a counselor was there and was ready to say "Hi!" to me.

I didn't know that I would meet some of my best friends through Freshman Camp. 

I didn't know they had to stand out in the cold for 2 hours to get trained in lthe ow ropes course at camp. 

I didn't know that when I wanted to get ice cream, a counselor would drive me there.

I didn't know when I dropped my water bottle on campus on the sidewalk, she would just come out of nowhere and kindly pick it up for me. 

I didn't know that I was constantly on their minds before I even knew!! I was going to Freshman Camp. 

I didn't know that they came to the Rocket Launchs over the summer, in hopes of getting incoming freshman to learn about Freshman Camp. 

I didn't know that going far past your goal of registrations on Rocket Launch day would give you so much joy and happiness, we felt on top of the world!

I didn't know that I would talk to a person for nearly ten minutes really hoping they'd want to go to camp and they would come back around to our registration table and sign up. 

I didn't know that, that counselor would make me 10 times more excited for camp!

I didn't know that after camp, they wanted me to be a counselor so bad - so they did whatever it took for me to get there. 

I didn't know that they gave up so much social time to plan, organize, facilitate and run every meeting, main event, retreat and every little behind the scenes detail that the campers would never see. 

 

I didn't know that they saw me as & welcomed me into their FC family.

I didn't know that they were actually putting themselves aside, just so we could enjoy ourselves at camp. 

I didn't know the counselors had to wake up at 6AM at camp after just going to bed just a few short hours before. 

I didn't know they showered at 4AM at camp before everyone else woke up.

I didn't know that every single activity had a hidden meaning behind it… for team work, communication, leadership and adjusting to college. 

I didn't know they would sacrifice having a dead phone just so we could charge ours. 

I didn't know that they memorized a million songs and dance moves just to get us involved.

I didn't know they screamed TOL just to get us to say EDO or yelled the UT fight song at the top of their lungs, just to get us to memorize it. 

Now that I’ve been a counselor for a year I totally didn’t know that every time I heard someone say TOL without even thinking about it I would say EDO. 

Also since I’ve been a counselor for a year, I didn’t know that I would have to introduce myself as “Hey guys I’m Lauren” and I didn’t know when someone introduced themselves I would say “Hi ______!” and I mean everywhere. In the grocery store. On TV. Everywhere!! It’s so funny!

I didn't know they had a Plan B, C or D just in case their Plan A didn't turn out the right way. 

Purple is a no go and circles are our favorite shape!

& the funny thing is - I never would have known this if I hadn't become a counselor myself.

I have seen my friends, who are also counselors, cry over how hard it really is. I have seen them rejoice over their prayers being answered - that the friends they prayed to be at camp actually showed up. I have seen them leave their studies and lives behind and lead their friends in a cabin at camp.

I have seen how hard it is being a counselor.

I have seen how rewarding it is being a counselor.

I have seen how much thought, time, effort, and prayer is put into being a counselor.

Counselors & Coordinators, I hope this encouraged you. I hope that you know amidst all of the chaos of maybe not doing as well in a class as you wish, it is worth it. The campers are worth it. I hope that you know that one day all of your behind the scenes actions will make sense and will begin to unfold. I hope that you know that you are making a difference. You are changing lives. It is hard. It is insane. It is time consuming. It is a commitment. But, It is worth rejoicing. It is impacting lives. It is worth every single emotion.

To my fellow counselors & coordinators - thank you. There are no words that could ever explain how thankful I am for you and everything you do. It is so cool to remember everything you do for us, in hopes that I can create the same chain reaction.

To my friends who are high school seniors and are coming to Toledo- go to Freshman Camp. Hang out with your counselors. They love you & they want to be friends with you. They are really cool, I promise. 

He can see through it all…

I highly suggest you to find a person like Mrs. Ruetz, She is incredible. She loves God with all her heart, mind and soul. She can always lift me up when I'm in a bad place and a text from her makes my whole day a lot better! Her advice helps me more than she will ever know. Mrs. Ruetz believes in me and shows me God's love especially when I need it the most. She is a spitting image of God and she inspires me all the time to be a better person and to know our Lord better.

Mrs. Ruetz wants to know how I'm doing and what I'm up to, she wants to love me and guide me closer to Jesus. She is there for me when no one else is. She sees me at the end of the day, when I'm tired and when I'm too worried about everything else around me. But she doesn't go running away as fast as she can in the other direction, she checks on me and makes sure I'm still smiling through it all. That is just simply awesome to me.

We had our monthly Ignite service tonight at church and she is always there volunteering with a smiling face. She doesn't let anything get in her way of loving and pursuing her relationship with her God. It is breathtaking to me. 

Tonight, after I got home from Ignite, I sent her this message: 

"Thanks for tonight, thanks for giving your time to God and the community! You are so special to Him and for sure us! It's amazing how God can show us such amazing love in a million ways… through song, prayer, quiet times and especially other people!! 

My freshman camp director, Jill, says at every weekly meeting on Thursday nights:

'there's an imaginary shelf at the door, put down everything you came with, don't remember it during the time you have here, enjoy others company and enjoy being with God…' she goes on to say, 'If you must, pick it up on the way out. if not leave it on that imaginary shelf…'

How cool is it that God can see our brokenness, He can see right through our messiness. 

Mrs. Adair always said, to get us to understand the lesson we are learning, "Is your windshield dirty or crystal clear?" 

God can see right through your dirty windshield and all the bad things you pile on top of it. He makes my dirty windshield crystal clear. That blows my mind every time I think about it. 

He can see through my messy backpack and my messy room and He can see through my failures. 

He can see what we carried into church, He can see what we had to pick up on the way out and that He loves us anyways.

How stinking cool is that?!? 

I read a quote somewhere that said "don't pick up what you have already laid down at His feet."

I don't really know where I was going with this but I do know that God is good, so good to us and I'm forever thankful for you guys, this community and every other great opportunity that I get to have"

I pray that who ever is reading this tonight will push to love God as much as Mrs. Ruetz does. I promise you will not regret it. Your life will change. I aspire to be as kind as she is one day. She is a gift from God and I can't thank Him enough for her!! 

An Open Letter to My Ex-Best Friend:

Hi…

I don't even know what to say. 

We haven't talked in almost 2 years.

The last day we talked you started screaming at me saying that I wasn't supportive of you and your on again off again boyfriend. You said how bad of a person I was and wasn't going to get anywhere in life. 

There wasn’t room in our hearts to forgive at that time, and now too much time has passed. It’s too late.

Just letting you know, I'm doing great. So much has happened. I have found my true friends, people that will always be there for me.

You didn't share the same love for life that I did. 

Slowly, I stopped honking when I went by your house and one day it just stopped completely.

I heard you aren't with the guy that caused all this anymore. You had to come back to our school because you weren't allowed to be around him anymore. 

I heard you went to counseling to get help. I hope it did help.

I hope you have a better outlook on life now.

I hear you're with a new guy, does he know what happened between us? Does he know what all you put me through? Does he know about the first guy?

Soon, I just blocked your number from my phone and I still have you blocked on all social media.

I swear I could have seen you sitting front row at my wedding, not at all anymore. 

I still have to answer questions as to how you are doing and I shrug my shoulders saying I have no idea. Because I honestly don't. You probably don't even tell people about me when they ask do you? 

I’ll never forget the moments that we shared together. We ranted about boys and watched movies together. You are a part of my past; a part of my teenage years. Not apart of who I am anymore. At that time, you really didn't know who you were or what you were going to do in life but I sure did and I still do.

But now, we’re strangers. And it’s hard to believe that people could turn away from each other so abruptly and never look back. But, I guess that’s just how life works and that's exactly what you did. I hope this was worth it to you. I hope you realize everything you put me through. I didn't deserve that, any of it. You changed me for the better. I learned to let go, grow up and stop being friends with you. We couldn't find a way to work out our problems we were so immature and you were so quick to jump into an argument. 

Although we’ve done some very hurtful things to each other, I know that this had to happen. I had to grow up and I had to better myself.

From, 

Your ex-best friend

what I learned in my first semester in college...

first semester of college. I don't think I was truly ready for the hustle and bustle of college. the fitting in, finding my way around, the studying (which I still don't know how to do because I forget everything!), and dealing with 6 classes a day.  my first semester started off with me working 3 days a week, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday...7-3:30 an 8 hour shift. I was commuting 35 minutes to campus Tuesday & Thursday… 8-4:45.

I felt like I was drowning, always sore, always tired. I never had time to do anything for myself, my acne got worse, I was constantly sick, my side of the room looked like a tornado blew through it, work demanded so much from me, nightmares never stopped, my phone was always dead, rocket hall became my home in between classes, my lanyard had so much shoved into it that it barely zipped, homework and books I never even looked at piled up, papers and essays I barely knew anything about surrounded me, my grandparents sold their house of more than 20 years and moved to Florida for the winter which was super hard on me, can't even see through the mess to graduation… it seems so far away, home didn't feel like home, I learned that people that you spent 4 years in high school with won't even look at you when you run into each other in public, they won't call you when all your """friends""" are hanging out, my aunts house immediately was filled with my things because she lives a lot closer to campus, I was always getting yelled at either at home or work, I was alone… me and my backpack full of fear and stress, Blackboard hated me and Toledo scared me, I never had the energy or time to post on my blog…when it eventually got cold I learned what clothes to wear without sweating in class and not freezing outside, I spent way too much money on food and random things, my success coach at the time was never around to help out, my car was always out of gas and prices kept going up, I learned people that you think wouldn't fail you definitely will, I was constantly… physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, my book bag felt like bricks weighing me down as I was walking around campus. first semester taught me how far of a walk the union is from rocket hall!

     I'm actually surprised people in and around UT, didn't run fast as they could, the other direction from me. this was my everyday life for more than 5 months. Toto, we're not in high school anymore. 

first semester just really sucked. 

I finally had the guts to tell my amazing friends that I was quitting my job, that they helped me get, because I got a new one. that wasn't easy at all and no matter how hard I try I won't ever forget that. I then started at my new job, which is a lot more flexible. it's going good, less hours but I have more motivation to get my school work done. Sometimes it feels like I should have done it earlier.

some good things that my first semester of college taught me was how to properly back out of a parking spot in the crowded parking garage (WITHOUT hitting the car behind me!), I learned that people that you've known for 4 months will text you 3 hours after you saw them saying "I miss you!", I learned that I should listen to Chris when he says pray the rosary on the way to campus, it helps! it really does!, it taught me to rely on my new friends, get jimmy johns more that I really should, with Hanna, a girl who I just met but it feels like I have known for years, sit next to a kid named Evan in science, who allows me to use his portable phone charger, spend a weekend on work crew at your favorite place in the world serving kids who just let Jesus in their hearts and minds, hang out with Mike every Tuesday in the union it'll be awesome to see a familiar face, talk to a girl named Kallie who only lives 15 minutes from you it'll really be nice to meet a friend from the NWOAL, encourage Cullen when he needs it the most, it taught me that headphones can make the long walk go by a lot faster, spend a full day with your freshman camp friends at retreat and then get kicked out of the mall with them after, get your nails done with Alysa so you're not alone, get dinner with your new friend, Alex, I promise she cares for you, pick up speedy freezes with Meg, a girl who was in the same cabin with you at freshman camp, hang with Dani and Dominic in Rocket Hall for hours on end, go in the ChiO house with Judy to help her with the PINK event… it taught me that just one night full of laughter with The Crew will make everything better, I learned that in college no one really cares and they don't make fun of you for whatever embarrassing thing you might think you do, I learned that if you hide in a storage closet in a random church while playing Zombie Tag you will eventually get found, it taught me how to throw my hair in a side braid and pretend I tried, I learned that Ignite is my favorite night of the month, I learned that for sure, I am

NOT defined on how I'm doing in school!! 

Most importantly this semester, I learned to trust Jesus more. I was alone a lot of the time around campus, He sure did hear a lot from me. 

find new, good people that you can fall back on, see life through their eyes, hear their stories.... I've found my people, I pray and hope that you have. 

here's to a new start of a new semester. new beginnings. some online classes. different days, something new. hopefully something better. grades don't define you, I promise you that one. YOU are more than the messiness, more than the pain. You are worth everything in God's eyes, no matter the grades, no matter the acne, no matter what. 

just wanna write

last Tuesday, I had a conference with my comp 1 teacher. it was supposed to be about the paper I wrote and how to improve it.

but somehow the conversation got around to her skimming through my blog. I told her how much I love writing every detail down of my day so I don't forget it...how the notes app on my phone has waayy over 200 notes stuffed inside... how text messages to my friends are paragraphs long about how my day went, one text message when I was at camp was about how the sun was shining and then at night the stars were twinkling bright. 

she thought about it for a second and realized that when I am forced to write for class, my creative side really doesn't come out. when I have to write academically it's for a grade and a lot more boring. it's not the real me. I can't be forced into the bubble of some rubric that is probably ripped at the bottom of my backpack that I never looked at. 

I wanna write about how I would describe Layla's little voice when we are jumping on the trampoline or how, when I'm with my friends their laughs fill the room and I immediately want to I put it in my blog. Or when we go to the movies, I want to remember every single conversation on the car ride there and how the theater looked and how it sounded when we passed the popcorn bucket to each other down the aisle. I want to capture the moment when we were playing kickball and my flip-flop came flying off. I want to write about every memory we have together. I want to write about the times when my cheeks hurt from smiling too much. I always want to write about how I can text Chelsea at anytime and she has the best advice and is a spitting image of God.  I want to write until my friends actually know how I feel. I want to write when my words aren't really working. I wanna write about catching up with a friend I haven't see in a while.  I want to write about the day my sister got her temps and finally got to get behind the wheel. I wanna write about how my bitmoji has the most perfect eyebrows. I wanna write about how many times my phone goes off from the group chat I'm in with Lex, Gretch and Annie.  

 I wanna write until I can't feel my fingers and my mind is empty of all the thoughts. I want people to know this side of me. I want to write for God. I want to write to have people see God in me.  I want to write until everything I have ever felt comes  on paper. I want to write my feelings out. I want to write about how free I feel when I walk in the field out behind my house and how the trees were turning colors on my way to campus each day. I want to write about when I drive my sister up to the lake and we pass into Indiana, we mute the radio and scream "I-N-D-I-A-N-A... that's Indiana!" 

I want write about every night when I'm struggling with homework and I want to write until my mind becomes at ease when I push save. I want to see my writing grow and I want to look back into the memories I have over the years. 

I want my writing to mean something to me, years from now. 

just wanna write until the whole world knows my name...