2019 recap

12/29/2019

It’s the end of December and at this point, I would normally have my 2019 recap blog basically done. But this year, this end of year post- is going to be a bit, well… different. 

Tonight, I want to talk to y’all about how this past year went for me. About how extremely hard it is to get a phone call that your best friend has passed away and then see everything and everyone else around you stumble and fall apart after. Losing my best friend so sudden was the hardest thing I’ve had to walk through. I was going to try to tell you how I got through it but honestly I am still actively trudging through those deep waters with waves that feel 100 feet over the top of my messy bun on most days.

Life is super weird and it feels like when one terrible thing happens, all the other dominoes behind it fall down after it as well. Since the tragedy struck in late September, there has been so many things that have fallen apart. And I just wanted a hug from him to make it all just a tiny bit easier- the unfortunate reality of that is I’m going to have wait until I get to Heaven as well. Another friend got into a car accident, my dad had to have stitches, both of my extended family’s dogs had to be put down… and those are just a few. Life just isn’t fair. I’ve been questioning God lately, like why would He let all of this happen in just a short period of time. Why is the phrase “When It Rains, It Pours” true and not just a song title? But what I have came up with, is God is still good. He is still God through all of this. Leaning on Him during the tough times isn’t always that easy but truly relying on Him through it all helps in tremendous ways.

How do you physically get up and move when you’re 21 and burying your best friend of the past 4 years? I don’t know. If you're looking for answers, I really have no clue. It felt like a dream we were all going to wake up from, like he was going to walk down the stairs or in the door while we were planning his funeral on his living room floor. If I am telling the truth, sometimes it still feels like a dream. Our circle is broken without him here, there’s such an empty hole in all of us now. It’s like he took half of my heart with him to Heaven.

Grieving is the weirdest thing. It’s like one minute you’re fine- you're listening to music he loved, remembering all the memories you’ve made together, looking at silly pictures. 

The next minute you feel like a crushed pop can- just the first note of a song sends you to tears, all the happy moments turn incredibly sad and you can’t even look at your profile picture of you and him. 

It’s eating vanilla ice cream for a week straight because that’s all the food your stomach could possibly handle. It’s being on the edge of dehydration because you can’t stop crying. It’s looking at your friends in the eyes and for once… not having the words to comfort them, or yourself really. It’s the first real hangout with everyone after the funeral and physically feeling the emptiness in your chest. It’s watching the same movie over and over again because it gets your mind off of everything.

I’ve been sitting around a lot and wondering what truly matters in life. And all I can think about is the word “Community”. Community is everywhere, at home, with friends, at church, at school. I’m such a huge “Find your Crew and love them well” type of person. I will always highly suggest you to find yours. You never know how much time you have with your people, humans are so temporary, but so is this world really. Heaven will last for eternity.

Life is extremely different without your loved one here, believe me I know. But what I’m so thankful for is the love shared. It’s honestly the love that lasts after everything else is gone. How lucky am I to have something that was very hard to lose, because that means I had something special to begin with.

So to conclude, this past year was rough. I am learning how to grieve and how to heal. I’ll be back with my word of the year blog post soon.

on healing…

Grieving is hard and messy and unorganized. It’s something you never ask or wish you have to do because if you have to grieve, that means tragedy rocked your world. Healing happens slowly in your heart and then your heart breaks apart over and over again. It’s going great one minute and the next it’s failing. It’s completely collapsing on the couch when you get home and try not to remember anything. It’s not magical or pretty. Grieving is completely draining and exhausting.

Sometimes it really is easier to sit back and watch the world go by… to be angry at why the sun still rises and why the world still turns without your loved one here on Earth. Believe me I get it. I wonder the same thing.

But the real healing… that can only come from engaging in life again. You can be with others during this time but, at the end of the day you have to walk your own path -at your own pace- with your own intense pain and your own wide open wounds. You have to do this one by yourself. On this path, your heart will be in a million tiny pieces and you have to pick them all up and figure out how to put them all back together. But the good news is that there, in your broken heart, your loved one lives on. 
It’s the time to lean on God as much as possible. 
To know He is still good. 
To know your loved one is in His arms now.

It’s nothing you get can ever get over, it’s just a new normal you unfortunately 

have to face without wanting to. Try to soak up every moment as much as you can with your people, etch the memories in your heart so you can remember it when you need to. It hurts because love leaves a mark, it’s supposed to. 

Remembering them is easy. I’m sure you do it everyday. But missing them is the tough part. That heartache never goes away and sometimes a tear or two slip from your eye.

But whenever you miss them, remember how lucky you were to know them, be thankful to God that He put them in your life and all of the incredible moments you’ve shared.

Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. 
But it does go on. 
Healing does happen. 
They are looking down on you through it all.

on summer 2019

After writing this intro what feels like 100 times in my head over the past 3 months, I figured I should actually sit down to start this. 
Summer 2019 was interesting and all over the place- probably how this
blog post is going to go.

This summer I worked at a local outdoor event venue. 
I have learned about all the preparation it takes to put events on. 
It is a very detailed process. I had my own desk and
decorated a spot in my office. I spent most of my days
scheduling and posting on Facebook,
creating posters on Canva, decorating for upcoming events,
and answering phones. I had the chance to work
national concerts like Billy Currington,
Chase Rice, Scotty McCreery and more. 
I decorated for the Disco Party, the 80’s Party
and the 90’s Party.  I have met some really
great people through it all as well. 
It felt like home- everyone laughed together,
checked in on me and helped out whenever needed. 
I really am going to miss that place. 
I am not sure where I will go next for a job but I am giving it all to God.

I was very happy at my job for the past 3 months and all,
but I missed my campers at Storer. 
I followed along with some pictures each week
and I just know they had the chance to experience the camp
magic more and more.

I also missed my friends more than I ever have

this summer. We are all so busy lately

and I just miss how life used to be.

Going into this semester I am hopeful that I will gain knowledge 
I need to receive my degree (not sure when yet, stay tuned!), 
that I will keep up a good work ethic and in everything I do-  act more like Jesus.

on 7 years…

road trip to the lighthouse,

happy as can be,

smiling in the picture,

always looking back at me.

2 weeks later-

a phone call,

a call that changed us forever.

“ICU” they said,

that can’t be good.

a few days go by,

you don’t look any better.
"It's getting worse" they said,

frustrating not to see you,

always looking back at me.

did you hear me talking to you now?

you will say “Every word.” when I meet

you at The Gates.

because I know from up there,
you’re always looking back at me.

sometimes I just need a smile,

to know it's all okay, from you,

always looking back at me.

just a season…

I wanted to get on here and give an update to what has been going on in my life. I have always felt like a weight was just lifted from my shoulders when I write- I love having a place to share anything I want. There hasn’t been anything bad at all that has happened, life is going great for me right now. But to get to this point, it took me about a month and a half. (a VERY rainy month and a half, it’s currently thunderstorming at the moment I am typing this)

    In Mid-April I had an interview for an internship for a company that I have dreamed of working for since I was young. I even turned an application in and was in contact with them. It’s now June and I haven’t heard anything. I waited about three weeks and then honestly, I got tired of waiting. I got pretty upset when I never heard anything back. I still love the company I just don’t think they needed an intern when I applied.

    At the three week mark, I started looking for jobs all over the internet. The place I work at now doesn’t offer many hours in the summer. So, I was looking for something to get experience in for my major and to add to my resume… something within a half hour of my house, preferably in social media, news reporting ect. I have event assisting experience and I absolutely love people. I will talk to just about anyone! I think I signed up for at least six or more job websites and still nothing. When I started to see the same job postings over and over, I had two main thoughts.  The first was, “I am going to have to plan ahead after I graduate to move away since there is not many opportunities around in my major.” My second thought was to just take matters into my own hands and do it myself! I have never really been someone who has to stay within their comfort zone at moments like this. I decided to email a huge list of companies in my area to see if they needed a social media intern. I got a lot of emails back that day unfortunately all of them were nos.

The next morning I received an email from a local outdoor event venue about 15 minutes from my house- the email said “Yes! Can you come in this week for an interview?” I went in a few days later and I was hired within three minutes into the interview! It is a paid position, I get reimbursed for my gas and I can also use this internship for class credit. I had finally found something I wanted to do- social media and event assisting. It was right in front of my face the whole time. There is a possibility for me to work into the fall/winter as well. The craziest part of this whole experience was when I was talking to my boss, she mentioned that they were just about to put out a job posting of my exact position. God really provides, He is so so good! I was excited to start last night for their first concert of the summer. I learned a ton about the business and how behind the scenes works. I could not be more thankful to be at a place that I get to learn and grow at. They also said there are opportunities to grow within the company.

I have a desk in an office which I am very happy about! I will be decorating it in a few days and can not wait to see it all put together. I will totally appreciate any tips you may have for decorating a small space for a girl like me- always with a. lot. of. stuff! This summer is going to be really fun, I will be sure to post more when I know more:))

The point of this blog post on this rainy first evening of June is to know that during your toughest time God still loves you. It’s only a season, you will get through it and come out of it better than ever. Just like the rainbow after the rain, there is always hope for bigger things. Being a Christian in this world is not easy. God never promised it was going to be but He DID promise to be with us during every step of this crazy journey.

A letter to Barton Lake

missing this view a lot lately so I wrote a poem about it for class!!

‘A letter to Barton Lake’ 

hometown station turned to static,

passing through state lines,

the most familiar route,

un-click the seat belt.

feet start running in the hard grass,

immediately up the stairs,

and into my grandma’s arms,

I am greeted by the comforting smell of the summertime lake air, I have always loved.

pink flip flops,

sticky sunscreen,

and awkward tan lines,

summertime friends,

independence from the rest of society, 

old wooden docks,

jumping off the pontoon,

splashes of lake water,

hang up your towel,

ice cream drips from the hot July sun,

blue daytime skies,

and sweet s’mores to end each night,

stargazing on the deck after the sunset,

suitcases filled to the top like balloons, 

couch bed pulled out, 

fan always spinning, 

my eyes slowly shut already ready 

to do it all over again.

My word for 2019

Okay okay I know what you were thinking right when you clicked on this… ‘Lauren, we are a whole week into 2019 why are you just now posting this?’ To be honest, I have had a lot going on the last few weeks of last year. I also like to make sure I am completely in love with my word that I will keep all year. Oh and I really loved my word of 2018 and wanted to keep it!!

Ever since I was a senior in high school, I’ve had a word after reading the book “One Word” it goes through different steps of finding a word you can keep for your year/life, which is pretty neat. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a life word, I think that is too much commitment for me at the moment.

My past words of the year:

2016-> beginning. I was beginning my first real job, Beginning college and all that comes with college life. I didn’t want to put too much emphasis on leaving high school and leaving everything I knew for the past year. I decided to look on the positive side and chose ‘beginning’.

2017-> I originally chose the word ‘wait’ but I shifted it to ‘growth’ about 3ish months in because of what all happened in my life. I think that people change and situations change and it is okay to actually switch.  Growth like moving on and growing. I also had the quote ‘bloom where you’re planted’ quote on my mind for most of this year. 

2018-> wholeheartedly. This past year, I really stuck with my word. I was proud that I kept using this word daily. I was putting my all into everything, camp, work, school, home, friendships. I really pushed myself to keep going even when I thought I couldn’t anymore. I was super sad about not keeping this word. I will always use this word but once January 1st of this year hit, I knew it was time to chose something else. I talk to my aunt, my mom’s sister, on the phone pretty much every night. Last night I was explaining this all to her and she said “You don’t have to get rid of your 2018 word, you can just build on it!” And that is so true and exactly what I’m going to do!

So 2019?! Actually, up until today these were my thoughts -> ‘Honestly, I’m not sure. I don’t want to pick a word and not be able to actually keep it. Something Happy & Positive definitely.’

Today, I kept thinking about my past blog posts each year where I write about my new word. The word that kept coming back to me was ‘focus’. I have always said “The word I’m focusing on this year is …” or “This year, I’m really trying to focus on doing…”

So I decided… why not focus on ‘focus’!?

If you know me, you know I get distracted really easily. I think I’ve got distracted over 10 times just writing this blog post about not getting distracted. (Lol whoops) I have always needed to focus more in my life. The book I mentioned where I got this idea from says “Choose a God word, not just a good word.” This year, I want to focus more on learning about my faith and focus on trusting God. I want to focus on getting good grades and everything I do in school. I really need to focus on my friends and family more. I’d like to focus on looking ahead into the future and stop worrying about the past— something I tend to do often. I also need to focus more on my blog and my internship. I always need to focus at work and at home. I desperately need to focus on myself more as well. In conclusion, I’m going focus more on any interesting adventure I get myself into, focus more on the little details of life and focus more on pretty much everything.

“Dear brothers and sisters, I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.”

‭‭-Philippians‬ ‭3:13‬