2021…

2021…

I really never know how to start these year in review blog posts.

I can’t compare last year to this year but man this year was tough too. I dealt with a ton and most that I never saw coming. 

But this year, of course had many highs also. I had a huge tear where so many goals came through. I founded, created, planned and ran a whole retreat from the ground up and I am beyond proud of that. I was also an anchor/producer/reporter on my campus’ student run newscast. My news class was crazy hard but super fun and I have been looking forward to it honestly since the day I first looked at going to college there. Hours upon hours sitting editing my stories and learning everything I could about my future career.

But there was tons of lows this year as well, sadly I had to work closely with a few people who didn’t care about what they should have one bit. In those situations, I had to deal with a lot more problems than necessary sadly. It was tough but I’m so glad I pushed through and listened to myself. I didn’t give up.

Committed. Committed was my 2021 word of the year.

I was ‘committed’ to quite a lot this year…

Committed to keeping up my relationship with God not only when times got tough or when they were great but all the other moments as well.

Committed to founding and running the retreat to the best of my ability.

Committed to continuing C’s story, not letting it end there.

Committed to the retreat kids, even before I knew who they were.

Committed to standing my ground.

Committed to knowing when to speak and when to not.

Committed to letting it not drain me.

Committed to looking out for myself after looking out for others for so long.

Committed to my news class and pouring everything I had into it.

Committed to working really hard towards my future career.

Committed to teaching myself, practical life and career lessons and skills.

Committed to not stopping when it got hard.

Committed to figuring it out.

Committed to letting things go, this one hasn’t been easy- I know I strayed away from it and I had to keep reminding myself.

Committed to the beginning stages of working on my mental & physical health. 

Committed to staying creative even when I didn’t feel like it.

Committed to not letting one little thing ruin my whole day.

Committed to knowing what I needed and looking for it.

Committed to showing up, no matter what.

Committed to myself, honestly, through it all I never gave up.

Wherever you are, I’m wishing you and your family a happy and safe 2022! 

The Retreat

A few months ago I came across a certain phrase that made me step back and say ‘woah’. 

It read:

“This is my rebuilding.”

This truly is my rebuilding. As I was “building” this retreat up over the last year and seven months, I was also really “rebuilding” myself. God was there with me, putting me back together.

I’m rebuilding… revisiting… reworking… this  into something beautiful. I am so proud to say I built beauty from the brokenness by showing Christ’s love in such a special way to these middle schoolers. It’s such an incredible feeling. As hard as it has been with many highs and also many more lows along the way, I have kept on the path to rebuilding myself and this story. I was so proud to turn my grief into something so powerful and positive to benefit these students.

I know that C’s story doesn’t end here. I’m committed to not letting it. I hope I never forget those special memories even when they feel so far. I know that deep down in my heart, our stories don't end on this Earth. We will get to experience Paradise in Heaven together forever. 

Since the tragedy struck, 2 years ago- I hit rock bottom. Life as I knew it changed in a second. My best friend was gone. All the moments that would be missed with C still hit me pretty hard. I then developed some anxiety during the stay at home orders that came 5 and half months later, that made me not able to see my people and have my whole schedule thrown out the window. 

I didn’t know how to deal with it all. As afraid of the unknowns as I was, I am so thankful I had this retreat to focus on. During quarantine, I was as distraction free as I had been in a long time. I wouldn’t wish this pandemic again that’s for sure but it was very helpful to have the extra time at home, for both the grieving and the retreat planning. 

While I never will be fully ‘built’ the same again, I know God holds my heart and is with me through it all. 

You know I will admit, I sometimes think about forgetting, about leaving, about avoiding…

but, I know I can’t leave these memories behind.

I know I can’t leave the love behind.

The memories are in the rebuilding.

The love is in the rebuilding.

These are all now, the ‘building’ blocks that make me - me.

This retreat is the hardest (for so many reasons) and biggest project I have ever done but it is also the best and most rewarding project I have been apart of. The only way I can describe my “why” in the retreat is that I constantly felt such a strong pull on my heart from God over the year and a half that I was planning it.  I loved every second of the day and I think Cullen did too! But, the planning- it wasn’t always easy. 

I want you to know, how scared I was. I was scared it wouldn’t be the way I wanted it to be, scared I couldn’t make through. The load of work I had completely terrified me. Going through grief while planning this also made me so nervous. The whole team quitting on me hurt. Yes, I wish it would have been a bigger turn out but I am just proud of myself for never ever giving up. 

Has God put something on your heart that is scary and seems too big for you?

If so, this is me telling you… I hope you do the thing that scares you. Keep praying about it and GO do it! God will use your simple obedience to change the lives and hearts of so many. It’s 100 percent worth it! I encourage you and challenge you to not be discouraged. To not be afraid of not knowing it. To not have fear that you aren’t equipped. God puts us in these seasons to lean on Him even more. What I’ve learned is we can’t grow by avoiding the fear, circling around it and hoping it will eventually just vanish. Fear will hold you back, if you let it. Fear will paralyze you, if you let it. We grow by walking straight up to it, looking it in the eye before we’re ready and saying, “Here I am and I’m not stopping!”

When something you love becomes stressful, focus on why you started & your thankfulness to God for handing it to you in the first place. Through all this, as much as I could- I gave this to The Lord and let Him be in control!

I am so thankful this retreat day went as well as it did! This is the first event I’ve ever had pretty much full say over and what an honor it was to found it! I know Cullen is smiling down on us all. I am so glad I kept pushing even when it got tough. We truly had the best group of kids, with no problems at all throughout the day. I can’t say enough good things about them, they have inspired me on my walk with Christ. It was amazing seeing the look on the kids faces, having so many helpful hands and many donations… from the bottom of my heart, Thank you! It was a day I’ll never forget.

In every way I can, I am here honoring C. 

I couldn’t be more thankful that our great God picks up each and every one of our broken pieces and uniquely “rebuilds” us!

————————————

A special thank you to Cullen’s parents Mr. and Mrs. Lumbrezer who were beyond encouraging through this process. My parents and my sister who helped me through every single step from day one up until the last person left campus that night. The staff at Holy Trinity Church and School who graciously helped make every detail of the planning and the whole day run so seamlessly, I can’t say thank you enough for taking time out of your already busy schedules to honor Cullen. The mind blowing amount of volunteers we had, all there to honor C in such a special way. The extremely nice phone calls and texts I got from people willing to do and donate anything they could. My family and friends who listened to the daily updates and who always shared their wonderful advice. As always, a huge Thank You to our Lord- Thank You God for allowing this retreat to be possible and successful, all for Your glory. Please watch over Cullen’s family and friends. We love You. 

2020…

This year I have been at the lowest point I have ever been. I have developed some anxiety attacks that I have never, thankfully, experienced before this spring. I know it’s completely normal because the whole world is in the middle of a pandemic. But, it’s hard for me wrap my head around all the crap that happened this year and why it did, especially in my own world. Leaving school at the end of February for spring break, I had no clue that I wouldn’t go back and zero idea what the rest of this year would look like. 

I am extremely blessed to still have my health and safety along with my friends and family and my heart goes out to whoever lost someone or that has struggled this year.

At the end of last year, I did know that this year was going to be so different- the first full year without my best friend, Cullen. He has been on my mind like crazy and wish I would have enjoyed life with him one more time, even more than we already had. I think that not being able to see, talk to and/or text him made this year even more difficult than it already was. He was always the person who I could go to for anything. Going through all these waves of grief are extremely tough but a hundred times harder in a pandemic.

Speaking about my friend group, this year I have missed The Crew more than ever. I know everyone hasn’t seen the people they love the most. But, not being able to physically see them has been so tough for me— enneagram 7/extrovert over here. Dropping off Christmas presents on the different porches of The Crew, is so depressing. This is the first holiday season I haven’t been with them in the past 5 years. There have been friends of mine who I haven’t seen for other reasons too, I hope to restore my friendship with them someday too. Even thinking about those situations… make my heart hurt so much.

A positive part: I did have the incredible opportunity to become a bridesmaid in CJ & Pip’s wedding. The wedding was something that gave me so much hope and happiness this year. I had never been in a wedding before and I was beyond happy. I was so blessed to be apart of her bridal showers, bachelorette party and wedding especially during a hard, hard year. And also this year… The Crew grew by a few! I am so thankful to have friends that turned into family. 

I am also really blessed to have gone to the lake a ton this summer. I was excited to meet a new friend, Hannah, there. Her family moved into a beautiful lake house and I can’t wait to get to know her more! I have been praying for a lake friend for a long time and my prayer couldn’t have been answered better! I was able to take Christy, Kev, Meg and Baby James to the lake also for a day and we had a wonderful time. I seriously have been wanting to take them there for forever!!

All in all, I miss the old me. Quarantine messed me up. Along with many other people, I truly have never stayed home this much- not even as a baby. Since I got my license, I have never been in one spot for this long. The old version of me is someone I miss and sadly don’t recognize anymore. The busy me… the eats 3 meals in my car on the way to who knows where me… the hanging out at a friends house me… the me who saw her extended family. I can not possibly wait to be able to gather again, plan and attend events again, see my loved ones again… I am really excited for that day.

In 2021, I would like to keep up with my relationships more in a different way than ever. I would like to reach out to friends and family more. I would also like to turn towards God more and improve my prayer life.

I am not sure if 2021 will bring better news but we can all hope and pray that it does. I pray wherever this blog post has found you after the rough year we all have experienced, that you are still filled with love. Never forget the love that has been placed in your heart but our great God. That is the most important thing. 

On A Year...

 *Lessons I Unfortunately Had To Learn In A Year*

The lessons you have to learn in the first year of grieving are really tough, something you can’t put into words… (and the fact that you go through this for the rest of your life is even harder)

            -The first and I would say the biggest lesson I have learned is: Time is weird. I say this one because for months after the tragedy struck, I kept referring to it as “this week” or as a bit of time went on I would say “last week,” when it clearly wasn’t anymore. This messed with my entire way of thinking about time, and sadly how much time has passed without him here. I have had to stop saying “About a year ago…” when I am speaking about something we did together. I am trying to remind myself that those experiences we shared weren’t from about a year ago and that it was from about a year before he died. 

    Time has also been one of the only things that has helped me with this whole grieving process. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to take some time to breathe and grieve and regain my balance in this life. I have spent a whole lot of nights in my bed, watching Hallmark movies and eating vanilla ice cream. I also hibernated during quarantine since my busy schedule got thrown out the window so I had ample time to be by myself. The stay at home order feels different when you are grieving, like there is nothing else you need to do- yet, process and come to peace with it. It also has helped a bit to separate myself, for the most part, from a lot of the places we share memories at. I am thankful I was able to take a step back from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Little by little, I have been trying to get my life back on track, even if it’s just a wheel or two. 

        -One of the most recent things I have learned in this past year is to just look at the few steps ahead of you. You don’t always have to look at the big picture, focus on what’s right in front of you. For a while, you just have to get through the day. Then, get through the next. Then, the next and so on. At some point after, you are figuring out how to keep going. 

This is something I never wanted to go through, which I’m sure you understand. No one chooses this...

        -But, I have learned that I… that people… that my friend group… We can do hard and scary things. You know why? Because we have done them before. We have a God that is 100% behind us in our worst days and 100% behind us on our best days. I hope you can hear, in your own mind, how exaggerated I want this to sound. 100% people! His love never changes, He loves us exactly how we are. My friends and I have gotten through some of the darkest, darkest days together. We might not always have the answers or reasons behind it all. But, we have come out stronger and with a better appreciation for each other because of it. Joy and Grief can go hand and hand and that’s just how life works. I've learned that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting. That darkness doesn't last forever. That life is a combination of grief and joy and that regardless of which cycle I'm in, goodness can be found. One minute we can be crying and one minute we can be laughing. It’s how life happens and it’s how it’s going to continue to happen from here on out. 

We have learned that the storms never ever stop… But neither do the rainbows.

        -I have also learned how to take care of and be strong for myself and for everyone else in the midst of our turmoil. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Years feel like seconds when you look back. I am so proud to know people who lift me up before themselves and who have turned me closer to Jesus in the roughest spot I have been in. I am happy to have a support system who helps me in all aspects of this journey. 

    Losing him broke me, but in so many ways, his short existence in my life still managed to gift me with so many things I will never forget. It taught me how to love others in such a unique way, how to put Jesus first, how to find adventure in the tiniest of situations… and the list goes on and on. Even though this past year has looked nothing, nothing like we thought it might- I’m choosing to thank the Lord for the time I did get to spend with him. 

He was truly my best friend who God is still using to work wonders in my life. 

 

What The Retreat Has Taught Me So Far…

Hello everybody! If you did not know, I am currently apart of a team at my church planning a one day middle school retreat in honor of my best friend. Cullen was a hard working, inspirational man of God in our community. He sadly passed away last fall.

This season of grief and healing has been rough, but I know that’s typical. I had all of this emotion building up in me that I knew crying over a bowl of vanilla ice cream, the only thing I could eat for a few days, was not going to help.

I realized this in February when a sweet couple from church approached me and asked if I would like to be apart of a memorial youth retreat in honor of Cullen and the people he has impacted. Of course, I said yes and jumped on the opportunity right away. I keep saying I would help out at a retreat for a stranger if they asked but especially for him, for his family and for our parish. Showing middle schoolers Jesus in a different and fun way with young adults sharing their faith is also one of the best things about this. I can not wait to positively encourage these students in their walk with our great God!

In this retreat, I am the Secretary, the Media Coordinator and the biggest one, the Activity Director. Oh believe me, I know that I sound crazy for taking on three roles- I am. I have a few years of experience facilitating many different kinds of activities but I have never had the opportunity to have full control. 

Through this retreat, God has taught me three main things (among several, several more.) He has taught me to have patience while working with the team and while working with technology. Shoutout to Zoom for not working correctly a few times so far. It also puts into perspective the Bible verse, John 15:13 “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” and how that can actually come about. I am spending hours a week on this and could not be happier I am able to be apart of it. The third main thing I am being taught is how to plan and organize. Just recently, we got the full day of agenda so it is now full steam ahead on planning! Starting something from the ground up and being able to fully create it is very exciting. But also comes with the task of planning out every inch, step and hop throughout each day to actually get us where we are wanting to land. For Example: I have started on a packet for my wonderful activity volunteers, explaining each activity and how to do it. This is just for a reminder day of but it has also been a blessing to me to lay out how 

they are supposed to be facilitated.

I hate being stuck at home just as much as the next person but I am extremely grateful I now have the time to plan every second of the activities and how I want them to go. Planning for this retreat during quarantine is helpful because I can fully focus on it and not have to worry about school and/or work in the back of my mind. I am beyond honored to be apart of this and can not wait to see how it all plays out.

So for now you can find me at my laptop figuring out how to plan each activity, making a flyer, taking notes on what to talk about during our next Zoom meeting or honestly anything else. But I can not wait until you will be able to find me on my parish’s campus prepping for middle schoolers to know Jesus in such a special way through the kindness Cullen always showed to the world. 

God Is Already There

Hey everyone! I know I haven’t been on here in months but here I am, day 46 (?)  of quarantine.
I am currently finishing my school year, virtually, lost both of my jobs due to the virus and grieving from a friend passing away. The words: healing, grieving, world pandemic, online school and anger have all been at the top of my vocabulary during this uncertain season of my life. To say nothing makes sense right now, is 100% true. I know I am not alone and many other people in our society have been feeling the same way. Even if I don’t acknowledge it,
I know this season I am in has been hard on my heart.

Anyways since I’ve been in the storm for just over 7 months… I have been leaning towards God more than ever.
I am learning to praise Him in the darkness.
Yesterday, two of my friends (who don’t know each other) sent me the same quote that my best friend that
passed away 7 months ago, said to me a few years ago. “Don’t Worry About Tomorrow, For God Is Already There.”

This quote means more to me than what it actually says. First of all I love the quote obviously, but
I have a strong tie to it since he said it to me a couple years ago.

So… Just two nights ago we were watching a TV show that mentioned Jeremiah 29:11 and I said what the
verse says to my family, "’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’" and said it reminds me of the
quote he texted me once, "Don't Worry About Tomorrow For God is Already There!"

Their timing was awesome, it was something I totally needed. I have been missing my normal life and my
friends so much. I’ve been extremely sad and angry about it. What are the odds they would both choose
that quote to send to me on the same day… cue the tears. It made me feel connected to Heaven in a way!

Seeing God in the normal, everyday things is what I have been learning lately. I think He wants us to
know He is in everything, even a quick text message when you haven’t seen your people going on two months.
I know He is totally preparing me for what’s next for me through them and I’m so blessed!!

P.S. I am praying for all of you and hope you are staying healthy:)

2019 recap

12/29/2019

It’s the end of December and at this point, I would normally have my 2019 recap blog basically done. But this year, this end of year post- is going to be a bit, well… different. 

Tonight, I want to talk to y’all about how this past year went for me. About how extremely hard it is to get a phone call that your best friend has passed away and then see everything and everyone else around you stumble and fall apart after. Losing my best friend so sudden was the hardest thing I’ve had to walk through. I was going to try to tell you how I got through it but honestly I am still actively trudging through those deep waters with waves that feel 100 feet over the top of my messy bun on most days.

Life is super weird and it feels like when one terrible thing happens, all the other dominoes behind it fall down after it as well. Since the tragedy struck in late September, there has been so many things that have fallen apart. And I just wanted a hug from him to make it all just a tiny bit easier- the unfortunate reality of that is I’m going to have wait until I get to Heaven as well. Another friend got into a car accident, my dad had to have stitches, both of my extended family’s dogs had to be put down… and those are just a few. Life just isn’t fair. I’ve been questioning God lately, like why would He let all of this happen in just a short period of time. Why is the phrase “When It Rains, It Pours” true and not just a song title? But what I have came up with, is God is still good. He is still God through all of this. Leaning on Him during the tough times isn’t always that easy but truly relying on Him through it all helps in tremendous ways.

How do you physically get up and move when you’re 21 and burying your best friend of the past 4 years? I don’t know. If you're looking for answers, I really have no clue. It felt like a dream we were all going to wake up from, like he was going to walk down the stairs or in the door while we were planning his funeral on his living room floor. If I am telling the truth, sometimes it still feels like a dream. Our circle is broken without him here, there’s such an empty hole in all of us now. It’s like he took half of my heart with him to Heaven.

Grieving is the weirdest thing. It’s like one minute you’re fine- you're listening to music he loved, remembering all the memories you’ve made together, looking at silly pictures. 

The next minute you feel like a crushed pop can- just the first note of a song sends you to tears, all the happy moments turn incredibly sad and you can’t even look at your profile picture of you and him. 

It’s eating vanilla ice cream for a week straight because that’s all the food your stomach could possibly handle. It’s being on the edge of dehydration because you can’t stop crying. It’s looking at your friends in the eyes and for once… not having the words to comfort them, or yourself really. It’s the first real hangout with everyone after the funeral and physically feeling the emptiness in your chest. It’s watching the same movie over and over again because it gets your mind off of everything.

I’ve been sitting around a lot and wondering what truly matters in life. And all I can think about is the word “Community”. Community is everywhere, at home, with friends, at church, at school. I’m such a huge “Find your Crew and love them well” type of person. I will always highly suggest you to find yours. You never know how much time you have with your people, humans are so temporary, but so is this world really. Heaven will last for eternity.

Life is extremely different without your loved one here, believe me I know. But what I’m so thankful for is the love shared. It’s honestly the love that lasts after everything else is gone. How lucky am I to have something that was very hard to lose, because that means I had something special to begin with.

So to conclude, this past year was rough. I am learning how to grieve and how to heal. I’ll be back with my word of the year blog post soon.