just wanna write

last Tuesday, I had a conference with my comp 1 teacher. it was supposed to be about the paper I wrote and how to improve it.

but somehow the conversation got around to her skimming through my blog. I told her how much I love writing every detail down of my day so I don't forget it...how the notes app on my phone has waayy over 200 notes stuffed inside... how text messages to my friends are paragraphs long about how my day went, one text message when I was at camp was about how the sun was shining and then at night the stars were twinkling bright. 

she thought about it for a second and realized that when I am forced to write for class, my creative side really doesn't come out. when I have to write academically it's for a grade and a lot more boring. it's not the real me. I can't be forced into the bubble of some rubric that is probably ripped at the bottom of my backpack that I never looked at. 

I wanna write about how I would describe Layla's little voice when we are jumping on the trampoline or how, when I'm with my friends their laughs fill the room and I immediately want to I put it in my blog. Or when we go to the movies, I want to remember every single conversation on the car ride there and how the theater looked and how it sounded when we passed the popcorn bucket to each other down the aisle. I want to capture the moment when we were playing kickball and my flip-flop came flying off. I want to write about every memory we have together. I want to write about the times when my cheeks hurt from smiling too much. I always want to write about how I can text Chelsea at anytime and she has the best advice and is a spitting image of God.  I want to write until my friends actually know how I feel. I want to write when my words aren't really working. I wanna write about catching up with a friend I haven't see in a while.  I want to write about the day my sister got her temps and finally got to get behind the wheel. I wanna write about how my bitmoji has the most perfect eyebrows. I wanna write about how many times my phone goes off from the group chat I'm in with Lex, Gretch and Annie.  

 I wanna write until I can't feel my fingers and my mind is empty of all the thoughts. I want people to know this side of me. I want to write for God. I want to write to have people see God in me.  I want to write until everything I have ever felt comes  on paper. I want to write my feelings out. I want to write about how free I feel when I walk in the field out behind my house and how the trees were turning colors on my way to campus each day. I want to write about when I drive my sister up to the lake and we pass into Indiana, we mute the radio and scream "I-N-D-I-A-N-A... that's Indiana!" 

I want write about every night when I'm struggling with homework and I want to write until my mind becomes at ease when I push save. I want to see my writing grow and I want to look back into the memories I have over the years. 

I want my writing to mean something to me, years from now. 

just wanna write until the whole world knows my name...

this HAS to be it.

maybe it's the calm before the storm. maybe it's the kindness shown by the people around you. maybe it's the time spent together. maybe it's the memories. maybe it's the relationship with God. maybe it's the dreams. maybe it's the backyard volleyball and country music. maybe it's the sunsets and sunrises and every special moment in between. maybe it's the flowers. maybe it's the adventures. maybe it's the laughs. maybe it's the long talks. maybe it's the unknown. maybe it's the new friends. maybe it's the bonfires or the countless smores. maybe it's the wish you were here texts. maybe it's the opening of a new chapter in your life and saying goodbye to the old. maybe it's the times where you just know. maybe it's the summer nights. maybe it's the second you realize 'I don't want this to ever end'. maybe it's the little moments knowing you are so content with life right now. maybe it's the time you find yourself smiling. 

I don't know the exact meaning of being totally happy but I know this HAS to be it....💕

remember this is what youre fighting for...

when days are hard... 

remember tonight

when nights get too long...

 remember tonight

when people aren't on your side... remember tonight

when people fail you..

remember tonight

when you're down... 

remember tonight

when you're stressed, tired and depressed...

remember tonight

when you can't keep your head up… remember tonight

when things aren't going your way... remember tonight

when the world is just too much... remember tonight

when you have no energy left... remember tonight

when you can't keep going... remember tonight

remember this night, how you felt, how the air smelled, how the sun was setting just perfectly, how the only thing you heard was the fire crackling, how your hair was a mess from being in the lake all day but your heart was just full...

I would take these nights over anything...

when the world is just too much,

remember tonight...

remember your happy place...
hold onto this night, these people, this feeling...
it will get better than right now, it has to get better...
it will come again, summer will come again,

remember where you are so safe and extremely loved

remember what your fighting for...

remember this is worth fighting for...

my friends are amazing!

here's one of those cliché the year is half over, I love my friends blog posts...

but honestly where did the time go, it felt like I was just with a huge group of my friends sitting on the couch all comfortable counting down the seconds until 2016 and taking a New Years crew picture right afterwords and now we just watched fireworks together for the Fourth of July.... To the crew, you all are amazing. You each have your little ways of making me laugh and making me love life even more every second we are all together. You make me never want to say goodbye and my heart is so full after we all hang out. It's such a blessing from God having a close group of friends to always rely on and the best thing is more people keep tagging along to our adventures. Whether it's game nights, going to Church, backyard volleyball (sometimes in the rain), advice giving, bonfires, swimming in the pond, counting down the seconds until the new year, being way too close to the fireworks, singing loud at the concert, getting me my first real job, laughing a lot, movies and popcorn, teaching me silly things and card games, always having a shoulder to lean on, the inside jokes, late night Steak and Shake, working together, loving me endlessly or countless other things you know when you see like 15 other people with me, I couldnt be happier. I love hanging out with them, they make me a better person and always put God first. I think everyone knows I'm obsessed with loving God with you guys and tackling this awesome life together!!

So, thank you guys! Thanks for changing my life, thank you for including me when no one else did and thank you for making me smile everyday. Thank you for the moments of silence we share together, where words don’t need to be said, but we know we are in it together.

And most of all thank you for bringing me into your families! I love you all and wouldn't trade any of you for the world. I can't imagine life without you and I never would want to. You all are unique in your own special ways and you will never know how much of an impact you have on my life!!! I thank God for you every single night because believe it or not... you saved my life😊

last days of high school...

I guess it just really hasn't hit me yet.

I'm not going back. 

I'm not going to have anymore enrichments or ten minute breaks.

I'm not going to have another year or another month or another week or another day. this is it.

I'm not going to be there sitting at my table every morning.

Maybe it will hit me Thursday afternoon when I'm cleaning out my locker for the last time. 

Or on Friday, my last full day of high school, my last bells, my last school lunch, my last breath of high school.

Maybe it will hit me early that Monday morning, when I wake up rushing to get to 1st block because that's all I've ever known. Or when I go back on Monday afternoon, just because I miss it so much. Or really bad Monday night  when I see all the posts from underclassmen missing the seniors. 

Or Tuesday when I'm checking my final grades. 

Or Wednesday at graduation practice realizing woah this is truly it for the class of 2016.

Maybe on graduation day thinking we are officially done. 

Or just one afternoon when I take "senior in HS" out of my bio and it takes everything out of me not to do it

Or when I try to sign into my school account and all the memory is deleted

Or when I'm scheduling college classes and maybe even my first day at college, when I'm alone,looking for a familiar face.

Or even a month into college when I don't know anything that's going on and I'm not leading anymore high school club meetings.

Or a random Sunday night when I'm laying in bed, crying wanting to go back.

Even just a day I drive by, and pull into my parking spot

Or when I want to go back and help and visit everyone and I'll have to get a visitors pass. 

Or a weird Tuesday night in November when you randomly get kicked out of the group chat, for no apparent reason at all.

Or when I just pause, out of no where and just stop whatever I'm doing and pause. a million good and a million bad moments going through my mind. Days when I'm missing it the most. Days when I remember how much I hated it before I came. Days when I remember I had the best 4 years of my life here. 

Days when I actually use skills I learned in and out of the classroom in real life. 

Or maybe it will happen every single day until I finally move on. Or when the little memories fade away that were so important in high school. I really don't know but it when it does I know it will take all the breath out of me, it will hit me like a brick wall. When it hits me, I have to tell myself to keep going and remember the good times. "High school is just a stepping stone."

 "You're gonna miss this you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days haven't gone by so fast."

"I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way."

lake life

being at the lake is different...

it's my happy place rain, shine, snow and  heat....

it's where I always want to be...

it's where I can be completely myself and don't have to put up an act for anyone...

where my heart feels full...

where I can tell God exists because He created this beautiful place with amazing people...

where I have met some of the nicest people in my life...

where you can sit out on the deck for hours and talk about anything and nothing...

where you can eat ice cream for dinner and donuts for breakfast...

where you can rely on your neighbors and have them turn into family...

where you can laugh and love like crazy...

where you can make memories to last a lifetime...

where you can be on lake time and nothing else in the world matters...

where you can share your secrets and successes... 

where your hair can be messy but your smile can be bigger than ever before...

where you can never take enough pictures and never see enough sunsets and sunrises...

where you can go to sleep after smores and bonfires and wake up to pancakes...

where you can wear your swimsuit and even your pajamas in public... 

at the lake, it's different... it's a different place in a whole new world only an hour from home... because everything, everything is better at the lake.

that moment...

do you ever get that moment.. 

that moment when you know God exists... 

when the things you want in life are balancing out just perfectly... 

when you friends are full of love and genuine smiles...

 when your GPA is higher than it ever has been and your life is pretty great... 

when you are so happy you are surrounded with everything you love...

or do you ever get that moment in life when you're really not sure...

when your friends disappear and you're alone...

 do you ever get that feeling when you sit down and just don't belong... 

do you ever have that feeling of your never gonna get a job and go into a good major, that's a crappy feeling.... 

when your GPA is falling off a cliff but you're trying so hard...

 do you ever think of how you will be after graduation... 

do you ever think of any of this...